Did you ever see the show “Stop the World, I want to Get Off!”? It’s been years since I’ve seen the actual play but that phrase runs through my mind more and more as the pace of my life snowballs to bionic speeds. We all have the same daily drill: carpools, jobs, housework, shopping. Add to that “extras” like doctors appointments and after school activities and evening meetings and it’s no wonder most of us freeze completely when our Palm Pilots hiccup and erase our schedules. And, don’t forget the unexpected last minute field trips and home repairs that require our attention…I’m not sure my iPhone has that much memory – I know I certainly don’t!
We can’t stop the entire world but we sure can slow down our own worlds. Have you ever noticed that while we spend oodles of time focusing on the outside world, our immediate worlds often get left behind? It’s like a pyramid on the point – we’re the point and everything else is hopelessly squashing us. We often forget ourselves as parents and somehow need to reclaim that first. While putting our kids first may seem like that’s what we are “supposed” to do – it is really what causes the stress – and guilt – of our everyday life. I’d argue that it’s longing for a life that is not realistic that gets us in the end. Sort of the superhuman fantasy.
Kids change everything and it’s often when we try and deny that fact that our lives become stressful. Sure, maybe we all could have achieved some other career accolade sooner if we did not have kids when we did. But, have you ever stopped to consider what people who chose careers over family are missing – whether they are workaholics or just kid-less?
I know many people with successful careers and very happy family lives. Whether full time and or part time, these folks all modified their goals here and there and all worked hard to find a balance between work and family. At the same time, it seems that for every person out there that is happy with their mix, there are just as many unhappy. And, the majority of these unhappy people have the same root cause of their pain: their definition of “success” is not in synch with their life. It’s not realistic. These folks want to have their cake and eat it too and then wonder why they don’t feel satisfied.
Sure, you could be a CEO, head of a department, world renowned x, y or z – but would you know your kids, your spouse or partner? Would you feel part of the community you live in? Nowadays parents seem to be expected to be around more and more – and while that works for some it does not work for all. I know many “stay home” parents who can’t get to all the volunteer events that the schools offer. I know many parents who almost make volunteering a career. Again, it’s the mix that matters in the end.
The honest truth is for the mix to work you need to make sure you don’t get lost in the shuffle – in the end that’s what creates the stress. It is tempting to put our needs second to family and work. Carving out “me time” is crucial for any of us to stay balanced and happy. Whatever it is that floats your boat – makes sure you have time for it each and every week. A friend of mine recently took a dramatic step towards finding her inner soul again and quit her decade long consulting job – she found the battle within too great to wage any longer. Scary step but with an amazing sense of relief -
So, as you do your seasonal household purges this year, add your soul and what if’s to the mix – instead of agonizing over the life we thought we’d have, try embracing the one you do have complete with the myriad of amazing ways our lives have been enhanced by choosing a life partner and having children. Even the best of careers sound very lonely without those people around to share our successes with us.
I found a wonderful plaque recently: “A hundred years from now…it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child” (Kathy Davis, 1993). You’ll know when you’ve found the right mix when you stop thinking of all the “what ifs” and just enjoy the now.
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