Over the last decade we’ve had to face far too many of tough world events from terrorism to natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina or the tsunami in Japan. It’s always the same pattern: in the blink of an eye, we are transported from our relatively happy lives to an uncertain fog as we grapple with whatever event had just occurred.
I recall vividly one such event a few years back after my husband returned from a trip to London. Just by the expression on his face I knew to hit the off switch on the TV but missed the airing of the news of the event by seconds. Our ten year old daughter had already heard that there were explosions in London in the same area that my husband had just been to. “Was it as bad as 9/11? Do you think they’ll catch the bad guys this time?”
Good questions with difficult answers. These events shatter not only our feeling of security in the world but our hopes for our children’s futures. Luckily, children are not small adults and their lack of life experience actually protects them in many ways from all the concerns we focus on when we hear that about a tragic event. Children of all ages really only need reassurance about the integrity of their own worlds, their own safety, and the safety of those they know and love. They still have that wonderful leap that everything will turn out fine – especially if we, their parents, tell them that it will
Dr. Paula Rauch, Director of the Child Psychiatry Consultation Service at Massachusetts General Hospital, emphasizes the need to not only find out what the child has heard and to clarify the details of the event but to emphasize the rarity of these events in the big picture of the world. This is true for tough world event such as terrorism as well as natural events such as earthquakes and tsumamis.
For example, to answer my daughter’s questions about whether the bad guys would get caught, Dr. Rauch suggested an answer such as “It’s a good question. I can’t be sure, but I hope so. I know there will be a lot of smart people looking for them….There will always be a small number of “bad” people in the world and luckily a much bigger number of caring ones. A surprise thing could happen, but it is really, really rare.”
For natural disasters, it’s important to emphasize similar message around safety. Kids need to know that people are looking out for the people directly involved in the incident as well as people elsewhere. In addition, we need to be good listeners ourselves to find out if our kids have any specific questions about the disaster that may be weighing heavily on their minds. If we don’t listen openly, we’ll never know what information to offer.
The age of your children is your best guide for how to comment on any difficult event. Small children, preschoolers and kindergarteners, should be told little about tragic world events. The fantasy world of small children and their lack of understanding about space and time make it difficult for them to grasp what has occurred. For this age group, you may need to let them know that something scary happened far away from home but that everyone they know is safe.
As children get older, what you tell them will of course become more detailed. For all children, including teenagers, discussions need to be simple. Media exposure should be monitored closely at this age. Many experts feel that a parent should be present if a child is going to see a traumatic image in any media forum. This is sound advice for all of us to follow.
Helping a child see what is really in their control can be very reassuring. Notes Dr. Rauch, “a parent could say…my approach as a grown up is to pay attention to the safety things I can do that protect us from things that happen more often. Look both ways crossing the street. Wear a bike helmet. Know your important phone numbers if you need to call parents…The adage “Think Globally. Act Locally” is a good way to think about safety”. In the case of any disaster, hotlines are usually set up where people can contribute funds or good to help those in need. Kids respond well to helping other kids so mobilizing them into a call to action around one of these hotlines can help them feel less powerless. Save The Children is one group that kids of school age and older can relate to for any event involving children. They already have a donation center set up for the victims of the Japan tsunami. If your kids want to help, check it out.
Clearly the more personal the event is for a family the more difficult it will be for a child. Consult your pediatrician or a child psychiatrist if you have concerns about any world event’s impact on your child. The earlier you address these issues, the easier it will be to help your child.
Preserving the rhythm of our children’s lives is ultimately what will reassure them that the world as they know it is still ok. A friend of mine said it best at a concert band rehearsal a couple years ago:
“The world may be unraveling as we speak but at least we have something civilized to look forward to and do each week”.
So, embrace what is important to you and keep on doing it.
(First published 2009; updated 2011)
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