Oh, No! Where’d The Nap Go!!
Q) Dear Dr. Gwenn,
My son has been transitioning from one to two naps for the last 1 ½ months and it’s not getting any easier. He falls asleep on his own but he wakes up every half hour if I am not sleeping right next to him, screaming and crying. We’ve tried a myriad of things from milk, to putting him down earlier, to putting him down later, to trying after lunch or bath time but he just won’t go down for a nap. Even me sleeping next to him doesn’t seem to help. He doesn’t sleep more than 10 hours and night and, if I’m lucky, maybe an hour during the day. Is this normal? How long should it take to get adjusted to one nap? We are dealing with a very tired and frustrated toddler and family!
Thank you!
SK
A) Dear SK:
Sleep and nap issues are very common sources of discontent for many families. And, many families do wonder what is “normal”. “Normal” not only varies by age but by individual. “Normal” is really how much sleep your son needs between naps and over night sleep to function well during the day when awake. What works for him, may not work for other kids his age.
Sleep is driven by our biological clocks and any disruption to the clock causes issues. For kids, the biggest disruptors to their biological clocks are actually their well meaning parents! Sleep associations and unrealistic nap expectations are the biggest culiprits in most toddler sleep crises for most families. I suspect this is what is at play with you and your son given the description of your struggles.
Let's be real, ok? There isn't a parent among us who doesn't live for those toddler naps! Toddlers are an exhausting bunch - their business and curiosity have no bounds and our brains and attention spans need breaks throughout the day. Naps are a wonderful parental regrouping time. So, it is no surprise that when toddlers give up that much needed nap, it tends to be the parents who start to panic.
The actual 'giving up of the nap' process has no expected pattern. Some kids seem to give up their naps in a stepwise fashion while others go cold turkey. Some kids go from needing a nap to needing less of a nap, while others go from needing a nap to just needing down time with a DVD or some quiet toys. Given your son's current struggles, he may be telling you he doesn't need as long of a nap - and it is possibel that he doesn't need much more than down time.
The other issue to consider with napping is that sleep at this age is cummulative throughout the entire 24hour period. So, if a child sleeps a solid 10 hours at night, that child will likely not need much nap time. Again, this could be occurring with your son at times.
And, that is the ultimate message: at times. Some days, he may need a nap while others he may not.
But, there is another issue: sleep associations. That is where you come in. While you mean well and I know you think you are helping to lie down with your son to "help" him nap, you are actually making the situation worse. The entire nap should take perhaps an hour start to end. If all he does is rest during that time, so be it. Take him out of his room and just have a quiet activity. But, don't engage in a struggle or the constant back and forth of lying down with him. He'll fall asleep if tired enough - even if there is some protesting and tears before hand.
So, go with the flow a bit more and soon enough you'll have peace reclaimed in your afternoonsn - but it may be with an awake toddler watching a DVD quietly on the coach with you while you catch up with your coffee and magazines. As long as you both can refuel without the battle, it doesn't matter in the end what form the rest comes in.
Dr. Gwenn
