A Family In Turmoil
Q) Dr. Gwenn,
I’m writing on behalf of my daughter who is 24 years old and has two toddlers, 4 and 1 1/2 yrs of age. She does not have a computer and can not write from her work computer.
She has been separated from their dad for almost a year now and is having problems with the 4 year old. He is a very smart little one but he and his mother do not get along (I think it is because they are too much alike). He does everything he can to push her buttons. He will not mind her and she has done everything from removing his TV from his room to taking all his toys away from him. She is at her wits end and I don’t seem to be able to help because I did not have problems like that with my children.
They have recently moved which means they had to change day care facilities. He really liked the one he was attending – they were strong in their management (meaning they knew how to handle his temper tantrums – they were not afraid to discipline him when necessary. Now he attends a school that has no disciplinary program.
Today she called me crying saying the daycare called her and requested she leave work (a new job she can not afford to loose) to discuss his behavioral problems. (She has talked to the baby about it and he said “Well we keep changing day cares!” – meaning he wants to go back to the old one but that is not possible.)
Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks,
DC
A) Dear DC:
Thank you for your question. It is never easy on a family when so much change has occurred, especially when there is a single parent trying hard to make all ends meet. I do worry when I hear that a parent is at “wits end” and not sure how to handle a child getting so under control. That, to me, is a cry for help from the entire family. This is when professional help is needed by a psychologist – one for mom and one for your grandson. Your grandson’s pediatrician can help with a referral for him and your daughter’s doctor can make suggestions for her. The insurance company often has a list of providers in the area, too.
What your daughter has to keep in mind is that your grandson is pushing her buttons for her attention, not to be bad. He’s at a very impressionable age and may be confused by all the change and not having dad around. Add to that being removed from a daycare he loved and he may be feeling very unsure of reconnecting with someone new for fear that will go away, too. We can’t really blame him for that as that has been his experience so far. He needs the reassurance from his parent or a parent substitute like you that all will be ok. That takes time and patience.
Structure at home helps, too. Have mom look at what occurs when she gets home from work. I’m sure she is exhausted but her son needs to thing he is #1 somehow. He’s lashing out because he desperately wants that attention. Perhaps you can help your daughter by making dinners, bed time, creating a routine. You may not have had these issues with your kids but you can still help by being there for your young daughter and helping her regain control of her life. Keep in mind, she’s young too. She may honestly not know how to care for herself and her son right now. She may need someone, her mom, to help her forge that path a bit while exploring professional help options.
Tell your daughter to hang in there. And, to take care of herself. Sometimes as a mom we forget that but once we start to recontrol those reins, things fall into place better.
Dr. Gwenn
