I received a comment not long ago by Terra on a post about Potty Training that hits on a common problem I’m asked about quite often by parents of toddlers: pulling others into the potty training process.

Terra wrote:

“My daughter turned two in March and I potty trained her and She will only go with me. Luckily for her I work at her preschool but how do I help her to start going potty with her teacher and grandparents?”

What’s tricky here is that your daughter is still very young and may have some stranger anxiety. If she were at a different school, this would be a bit easier because she wouldn’t see you every day. Since she does see you, you may have to be a bit more patient and wait until she’s older. By then, the process may have completed itself.

When at home, one way you can help your daughter is to not be around when her grandparents are watching her. That will allow her to become comfortable enough with her grandparents to establish a routine with them which, over time, will include potty issues. For this to be successful, you have to recognize that the process and schedule may not be exactly as it is when your daughter is with you.

In short, just be flexible and patient and you’ll find as she becomes and older and wiser two year old, her potty issues will become more established and it won’t matter as much if you are there or not.

For more tips on potty training your toddler at daycare, check out my latest article on the Pull Ups website.

Disclosure:

I have partnered with Pull-Ups® to serve as a Pull-Ups® Potty Training Partner. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program, which includes writing articles for Pull-Ups.com, offering tips and advice on the Pull-Ups® Facebook page and holding “Potty Training Talk Office Hours” on the Pull-Ups® Facebook page during February and March 2010. However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive comments or endorse the product.

Potty training, or, as I like to call it, ‘potty guiding’, is a toddler rite of passage no family can ignore, side-step or skip. In the thick of it, you wonder if you will ever get through it sanely and ask often if your child will ever  ”get there”…finally become potty trained. Once there, though, you smile knowing it’s over and you all can move on!

As the amount of questions that come into websites, forums and Facebook pages that deal with potty training issues prove, this is one of the most thought about and angsted over issues in all of parenting!

Over the years, I’ve received endless amounts of letters from families about potty training issues that I’ve turned into columns, articles and blog posts. Here are two that well represent what the majority of parents think but often don’t want to ask:

Q1. For the past few months, my 3-year-old son has been having a problem getting to the toilet in time. If he wets his pants he is very apologetic. We don’t want to discipline him with timeouts, and we have explained that he must give himself more time. But it isn’t really working. Any suggestions?

A1. First, have your pediatrician examine your son. If your son is not circumcised, the foreskin can become constricting and the urine may not flow correctly. Strictures, or narrowings, of the canal in the penis through which the urine passes are also possible. Having his urine checked for infection is also a good idea.
There really is no way to “train” a child to use the potty because the process is biologically driven. Rather, all we can do is look for the cues that he is ready and “guide” him towards success. Some children master using the potty by two years of age, but others when they are closer to four. Without being biologically ready, even the most motivated child with the most supportive parents won’t succeed without frustration.
Let him drive this process, while you rally behind him. Try using Pull-Ups or a similar product until he is using the potty so well that the Pull-Ups are functioning like underwear. If he does wet his Pull-Ups, first tell him it’s “no big deal”, then calmly change him and hug him. When he does use the potty correctly, give him an even bigger hug and perhaps a little treat. By taking a more child-focused approach, your son will master the use of the potty when he is ready.
Q2. My almost 5-year-old daughter will use some toilets but not others. She will use her own potty chair and her grandmother’s bathroom. She won’t use the toilet in the bathrooms at home, school or public places. I have told her that the potty is going away after the holidays. She is very shy, but also very stubborn. She will be going to kindergarten in the fall and I’m worried about her not using a public restroom. She tends to keep to herself a lot so I have a hard time getting her to play with other children.

A2. This is less of a problem of stubbornness than a result of shyness and the anxiety it creates in a small child. When children feel anxious, they exert control in the few areas they have control such as using the toilet. She’s using her potty and Grandma’s because there is zero pressure and she feels completely at ease. It can be tricky to sort out what has driving a young child to the point your daughter is currently at so I’d suggest seeking the input from a professional therapist who can help you help your daughter over come her shyness as well as come up with a plan to help your daughter transition to toilets other than at your Grandmother’s home.

Alternatively, since your Grandmother has had some luck reaching your daughter, see if you can enlist her help in talking with your daughter and helping her use toilets other than her small toilet and the one at her house.  While it is tempting to “lay down the parental law” that is not always the best strategy in these sensitive matters.

With one of our daughters we had a similar issue and found that the help of one grandparents and teachers at our daughter’s preschool held the key to helping our daughter use potty’s other than the few she would use.

Disclosure:

I have partnered with Pull-Ups® to serve as a Pull-Ups® Potty Training Partner. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program, which includes writing articles for Pull-Ups.com, offering tips and advice on the Pull-Ups® Facebook page and holding “Potty Training Talk Office Hours” on the Pull-Ups® Facebook page during February and March 2010. However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive comments or endorse the product.

If there are two pearls of wisdom I can impart to you about toddlers it is this: they will have many boo-boos and there will be times you will be convinced your toddler is “always sick” and you should change your address to that of your pediatrician’s office.

Toddlers are the captains of the boo-boo and “bug” brigades.  While most boo-boos are minor and require nothing more than a kiss, and most “bugs” are viruses that clear before you can reach for the phone, there are times some injuries and illnesses can be serious and require more care. As with all things toddler, those times also tend to be very obvious once you know what the key factors are to focus on.

The Battle of the “Bugs”

It is tempting to just keep our kids away from other people and avoid this battle but that is just not possible – it happens on way or another, either in toddlerdom or in kindergarten! This battle is how immune systems gain experience with the world around them and how our toddler’s bodies develop the antibody troops a healthy body needs as it grows. So, while frustrating, this is as essential a part of life as learning to walk!

On average, children get 6-12 illnesses a year clustered in the winter months with infants and toddlers averaging closer to the high end of this range. Toddler illnesses range from basic colds to ear infections to stomach bugs and everything in between.  Some toddlers get slugged with everything that circulates through school or daycare while others slide through relatively unscathed.

This is a common age for things like “hand foot and mouth”, which is a virus that causes cold sores in the mouth but because toddlers and infants don’t always keep their saliva in their mouths the cold sores can end up on their feet or hands. Toddlers are also a common age for fevers without any other symptoms or just rashes without any other symptoms.

What you need to keep in mind with toddlers is that just like with older kids, the majority of all illnesses they will get will be viral, meaning the cure is time and the treatment is supportive. Most viruses last 1-2 weeks – a lot longer than most people realize! And, during that time, your toddler will definitely not be his usual self.  In addition to symptoms specific for whatever virus is going around, he might be grumpy. He may have no appetite. He may have much less energy than normal. In fact, he may appear like a mini-you when you are sick! But, hang in there because all these illnesses eventually end. And, if you are ever really concerned or your child appears very ill, that is when you call your pediatrician.

The Boo-Boo Brigade

Toddlers have one speed, warp, and have two left feet! While they are convinced they have eyes in the back of their heads, they don’t, which accounts for falling often as they run one direction, while looking another. They are also very skilled climbers – typically up. And, they can get themselves into amazingly small spaces. The combination of all these toddler features is a set up for multiple boo-boos, bruises, and abrasions on wandering locations on their bodies, and the need for many kisses, ice bags and band-aids.

While some injuries toddlers get can be serious because of their dare-devil nature, most are very innocent and require only very basic first aid at home (ice, ibuprofen and a kiss!). Keep in mind that toddlers are still very close to the ground so for run of the mill falls, they don’t have far to go!

Some of the common toddler injuries include:

• Twists and Sprains: typically of the lower extremity. You may only know because your toddler has a limp but otherwise seems fine. As long as she is not crying in pain and can bear weight, you can use ice and ibuprofen (Advil or Motrin) and let her toddle around as she’d like. If the limp persists for a few days, call your pediatrician for evaluation.
• Mild head bonks . Most head bonks result in small bruises or nothing but sometimes a child will get a big area of swelling we term a “goose egg.” This is actually a good thing and suggests the swelling is on the outside of the skull and not heading into the brain. But, if you have any concerns about your child’s behavior from the head bonk, call your pediatrician right away or go to the nearest ER.
• Nursemaid’s Elbow: This is a common elbow injury and is a type of dislocation called a “subluxation”.  It often occurs in the setting of a child holding an adult’s hand and the child goes one way and the parent the other. The child appears normal as long as the elbow is not moved  and a simple in-office manipulation gets the elbow back in to it’s regular spot.
• Toddler’s Fractures: these are small breaks in bones similar to partial breaks of young twigs and can occur without a huge trauma. Unlike simple sprains, fractures always have some degree of pain and the child will typically refuse to use that extremity. These injuries require an evaluation and x-ray to diagnose.

Triaging Your Boo and Bug Brigade

If only our kids arrived in this world with a user’s guide!  Just keep in mind Dr. Gwenn’s Golden Rule of Toddlers: if your toddler can toddle and play, all is well in toddler land and you can all rest assured nothing major is lurking. And, for those other times things seem off, your pediatrician is just a phone call away.

(Originally posted February 2008; Updated December 2009)

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