A former physical education teacher in my home town, John Passarini, once told me: “No child is disabled. They are all just differently abled.” That was his philosophy during his many years teaching generations of kids in our town and now teaching teachers how to coach and teach.

I thought about John and his motto a couple years back while watching ABC’s Extreme Make Over Home Edition. The team was remodeling a home for a family born with a genetic disorder. Their old home was limiting for the child’s needs and didn’t allow a moment of peace for the parents who desperately wanted to allow this child, as well as their other two children, to reach whatever potential was with in each of their abilities.

Fast forward to the new home. Spacious. Filled with doors wide enough for wheel chairs and equipment to aid mobility. The home had stairs for those who could use them as well as an elevator. Each of the kids rooms had just what was needed. And, the home had a play room that also was a therapy room. You should click through the pictures to get an idea and also here the father’s own words:

At the end of the show, though, after seeing the house, with tears in his eyes, he echoed what John said to me many years ago. He said that he doesn’t feel that children, even children with major issues, are really disabled. He feels they all have something to offer and the key is recognizing that and not being held back by what they can’t do but by trying to see past that and looking at what the child can do. In other words, seeing that every child is abled…just in different ways. A good reminder for all of us.

As a digital photography nut, I’m constantly on the hunt for inspirational photo taking prompts. One of the photo groups I belong to sends out a weekly theme to help focus our shots. This week’s theme is “shelves”. So, it was a natural leap for me to use my camera to convey what came to my mind when I learned about the Million Moms Challenge.

This photo is a teeny glimpse of the Momspiration I’ve received over the years that has fueled me to become who I am today, as a mom, as an author, as a wife, as a person. It’s interesting, and rather fortuitous as a blogger and photographer, that the most profound Momspirational moments have also come with stuff!

Some of this stuff may not look cool, but, trust me, it is.

1. A gift of a statue – and a glimpse at freedom: 

The Statue of Liberty figure always makes me smile because it was given to me while living in Illinois and working in Wisconsin from a family from Russia. The mom of a very sick boy gave it to me on the day he was discharged after a prolonged hospitalization.  As she handed me the tissue wrapped figure, she said “Lady Liberty was our sign of freedom when we first came to this country. When you look at this, remember us, and remember that being true to who you are will be your path to freedom.”

I was actually on a career path I was not thrilled with and somehow this mom sensed it. Her random act of kindness gave me a jolt of bravery to take a detour onto a new career path. When I have writer’s block or I’m wondering if I made the right choice to become a health journalist, one look at that statue is all I need to regroup, especially if combined with a piping hot latte.

2. Validation and Confirmation

The three cards on the shelf span my entire career as a working mom, all given to me by moms whose kids I was treating for acute illnesses.

The arrival of each card was unexpected, which made them all the sweeter.

• “Thank you for your personal sharing of an approach to juggling “2” – your girls are very lucky. Hopefully we’ll do just fine.”
• “Thank you so much for not just doing the easy thing for yourself that night. (That treatment) would have been horrible for all of us. You really went “above and beyond the call of duty” and our whole family really appreciated it.”
• “Thank you for being our pediatrician and friend. We are going to miss you but will always remember the special care and concern you gave to our children…and for always responding to my calls, questions, and concerns. You are a special person and have a definate talent with kids and adults too!”

Working long days in a health care system that can be thankless, receiving notes like this is the best medicine any doc can receive!

3. Young Heros

The cute bear was sent to me by the Coins4Kids founders, Jon and Greg. I had featured their group in an article covering the amazing ways kids help kids. These amazing teens came up with the kids to have people collect spare coins to help kids with cancer. The bear, Dawson, is named after their cousin who was battling childhood cancer at the time. Their mom, Deb, told me that teaching kids to give was one of the best lessons we could teach our kids. Given the success of Coins4Kids, I’d say her sons mastered that class!

Learning about Coins4Kids and other groups started by kids inspired me and my husband to make sure our kids learned to give starting very young. We have the penny bank Jon and Greg gave us in our family room and keep collecting, hoping to fill it soon to send them a donation. And, each year we give to causes in our area important to local kids with our kids’ input.

So, the Dawson bear represents giving in so many ways. But, it also helps remind me how lucky I am to have healthy kids.

4. Time for family

One of my biggest hurdles over the years was finding the right balance between work and family. Looking at art work my kids have made helps ground me and keep the scale always slanted towards my family. Whenever I’ve been at a crossroads, making a choice that benefits my family has never turned out wrong. The little clay people and candle holder were made by my girls are just a few of the many reminders I have around me each day to remind me that they only have one childhood – and they need their parents involved in it.

5. Time for mom

I knew I had achieved a balance that was working when I was able to successfully write and publish my first book CyberSafe.  Talking to other mom authors and learning from them the many ways they juggled their lives to achieve their writing goals helped me enormously.

Final Thoughts

I wish I could see all these moms again and thank them. While I know many of them were reaching out to me because of something I did to impact their lives, it would be great to one day have the chance to tell them that what they gave me in return words can’t completely capture. So, to those moms, if you are reading this: thank you!

Take a moment to reflect on whose been Momspirational in your life and share it on the Million Moms Community page. The more we all share, the more funds will be raised for moms around the world who need our help to have the resources to live a healthy life and raise a healthy family.

Starting school is always such a surreal experience for a family. As this annual rite of passage rolls around, I’m reminded of how important it is to help our kids remember they are so much more than the sum of their grades, test scores, and project results!

Think back on your childhood. What do you remember? Is it grades? Teachers? Homework amount? Did you have standardized tests, and if so, do you remember the results?

I recall blips of taking tests and filling out scantron sheets for all shorts of tests throughout my educational life. I recall being in class when papers, projects and graded tests were handed back to us. But, the moments I recall the most were the times I overcame a challenge or hurdle that seemed insurmountable at the time and grew from it in ways unimaginable.

I recall starting flute in 4th grade because “that’s what was done” only to approach my parents in 5th grade wanting to play french horn and in 7th grade, alto saxophone. They let me follow my musical dream and hired private teachers to support my quest because they saw how important it was to me and felt it was more important for me to play an instrument I had passion for than be forced to stick to one that I could more easily learn as part of the school program. I ended up becoming a music major in the saxophone and still play to this day.

I try to take the same approach with my kids because this is their childhood and, for me and my husband, what’s important is their inner passion.

I don’t prescribe to the notion that a child reaches that “too late to start” place for a sport or musical instrument at any point along their development (or any other activity, for that matter!).  There is zero correlation between pre-pubertal success and post-pubertal success in either.  Post-puberty, all kids come into their own in terms of physical and emotional development. We’d be foolish to think that the interests of a 7 or 8 year old will be the same as a 10, 12 or even 16 year old. Sometimes those interests persist, but most times they molt to other interests. Even adults develop new interest, rediscover old interest and decide prior interest are now not worth spending time on for a bit.

It’s tempting as parents to want to use the “we know best” soap box to impose our opinion on our kids and push them in the direction we feel is “best”. But, is that fair? How did we respond when our parents did that to us once upon a time? Remember those days?

When it comes to activity choice and life direction, we have to resist the temptation to dictate and attempt to be more incredible guides.  Our job is to help our kids explore their passions so they can have the best lives they can have and be the people they are meant to become. If we exert our will upon them, how can that ever occur??

To that end, we also have to try to remember that predictors of success when young come in many forms and grades are not necessarily the best indicators of the success path our kids will end up on in life. I’ve heard story after story of parents expressing disappointment for kids grades even when their kids put in their best efforts. I’ve heard of kids being yelled at, punished and not allowed to socialize with friends around report card time. I’ve heard of many high school kids actually fearful of bringing the report card home. We’re not talking kids getting C or D grades. These are kids getting B grades and sometimes in tough classes. It goes beyond grades, too. Parents are insisting high schoolers take all sports when they’d rather do drama or do mock trial when they’d rather be singing. Does this make sense to you? Where is the voice of the child?

If our kids continue to have childhoods defined by numbers, scores and achievement, they’ll become adults with same expectations and before long the magic of childhood we experienced will be gone by the time our grandkids are born. They’ll end up becoming adults who stop having fun and fail to understand trying something just because and doing so for the thrill of the quest, not the accolade or the “score’.

Is that really the future you want? If not, you can stop it…all it takes is to stop seeing your kids as numbers, grades and achievements you define. Hand the reins back over the them. The path your kids choose likely won’t be the path you would choose for them but it shouldn’t be. You had your childhood and became an adult already. This isn’t your life…it’s your child’s life and your child’s path to determine in his or her own way and time frame.  Your place is on the side line…ready with a hug, a smile or a compass, if it’s asked for!

The start of a new school year is always exciting with new challenges and new expectations.   Everything that occurs during the school year from September through June will impact our children’s health – mostly in positive ways but there are always a few speed bumps along the way at unexpected times.  Here’s a snapshot of the most important issues nuts and bolts to consider as you march through a new school year with your kids.

The Annual Well Child Examination
When a Child Is Sick
Common School Year Illnesses
Medication Use In School
Immunizations
Special Vaccines
Unexpected Problems

The Annual Well Child Examination

Most public school systems require an official physical examination, or well child examination, on record entering Kindergarten, Middle School and High School, and for sports participation. The American Academy of Pediatrics, however, actually advises a checkup annually from 3 to 21 years of age. This is really the only way to be sure your child’s health and well being is stable year to year and to catch subtle issues that need attention. During those visits, the entire child’s health is looked at, not just the physical exam. A year’s overview of a child’s emotional, developmental and academic ups and downs is what gives ups a picture of a child’s health. We can tell you a great deal about your child based on what has changed, or not changed, from one year to the next and help you prepare for what changes are anticipated next.

Finally, keep in mind that since the point of the visit is to get a sense of your child’s health, it is important for your child to weigh in on issues. Most pediatricians and nurse practitioners work hard to help a child learn to talk about themselves during these visits as they get older. What helps is if the child is given an opportunity to answer the questions first with you filling in the blanks later. In some offices, the parent talks with the pediatrician separately and during the actual physical is more of a fly on the wall.

When A Child Is Sick

Kids can and do get sick during the school year. During cold and flu season, many illnesses are hard to avoid. Given that kids get 6-12 illnesses a year, it is not surprising that most of these illnesses occur during the school year when kids are in close proximity of one another. Luckily, most illnesses are minor and self-limited but that doesn’t mean they won’t impact your child’s school attendance and your ability to go to work.  What can create great peace of mind is having some basic information, including return to school guidelines. Your school will have specific guidelines in place created by your public health department but these are the general rules of thumb we follow in pediatrics:

• Most illnesses are viral and take time to resolve.
• A simple cold last 3-5 days but a stronger virus up to 2 weeks. That can seem like forever sometimes!
• Fever and even a rash can be part of many viral illnesses but some due require medical attention so you’d want to notify your doctor if sick symptoms develop with BOTH a fever and a rash.
• Fever alone is not a concern if your child looks well and is acting well.
• More important than the height of the fever is how your child looks with any degree of fever.
• Your child is contagious with fever needs to stay home from school until fever free for a full 24 hours.

It is important to remember that even minor illnesses take time to recover from. Kids don’t learn well when they are worn down. It is lousy enough to be sick and get behind in school, it is even more upsetting for a child to be back in school before the illness has cleared enough to really function well.  Time really does cure most ails so be patient and don’t push your child back to school until you are sure your child is really ready. Your pediatrician can help guide you if you are uncertain.

Common School Year Illnesses

Your child will likely not get all of these but here’s a list of the typical sick and urgent complaints kids in general are prone to each September to June:

1. Mono
2. Strep Throat
3. sniffles: common cold or allergy
4. injuries
5. chicken pox – even if having had the shot
6. vomiting and/or diarrhea
7. headaches
8. “not feeling well”
9. starting an antibiotic: no school for 24 hours or until fever free for 24 hour
10. needing medications at school
11. asthma
12. rash
13. fever
14. flu symptoms

Your school nurse’s office usually sends around notices if any of these illnesses are in your child’s school or building. What is important is to be sure your child is diagnosed properly and not to push your child back to school until your child is ready. Your pediatrician is the best guide for both of these important decisions.

Medication Use In School

With the school year starting, take a minute to think about the types of medications your child may need at school, both prescription and nonprescription.  This is particularly important for conditions that could be live threatening, such as allergies to food or stings and asthma. Make sure the school has necessary inhalers, benadryl and epipens. If your child has an asthma action plan, the school should have a copy.

For acute illnesses, usually all you need is a note from the doctor and the prescription medication. Luckily many antibiotics can now be given only once or twice a day but there are still a few that are 3-4 times a day so will need to be given during the school day.

Just in case medications are sometimes needed at school. Migraines are a great example of this. So, make sure your school has what your child needs should a headache begin.

Finally, if your child gets diagnosed with a major condition, talk to the school nurse so she is aware of the treatment plan and medications.

Immunizations

School is a special situation for health care because of the group setting created by the close proximity of teachers and students. For this reason, all States have State mandated immunization laws in place for school entry that are based on the current CDC 2010 Childhood Immunization Schedules.

In most states, parents must provide proof of immunizations when kids are entering Kindergarten, when moving into the school system, and in middle school or high school, depending on the district. Typical immunization requirements for those grades include:

By Kindergarten, students must have proof of:

3 doses of Hep B
5 doses of DTaP/DTP
4 doses of Polio
2 doses of MMR
1 dose of Varicella

By 7th Grade, students must have proof of:

3 doses of Hep B
1 booster dose of Td
3 doses of Polio
2 doses of MMR
1 dose of Varicella if under 13 years of age; 2 doses if over 13 years of age

You can find the school entry immunization requirements for your State here.

Special Vaccines for Special Situations

There are two times special vaccines are needed: travel to other countries and during the flu season. If you are planning a trip over seas, check the CDC.Gov website to see if your family will need pre-travel vaccinations.

For the upcoming flu season, all kids now need an annual flu shot. The risk to kids from the flu is just too high and anti-flu medications ineffective and dangerous. Annual vaccination against the flu is the only way to protect kids from the flu.

If you have an infant under 6 months at home, it is crucial that both parents and all siblings over 6months get the flu shot. This is the only way to protect that very vulnerable infant.

Here’s some valuable new information from the CDC on the seasonal flu, including H1N1.

Unexpected Problems

Finally, just like with a check-up on your car, the annual physical examination only is a touch point at that time.  And, while your pediatrician can talk to you about issues expected for each age, that doesn’t mean those issues will come up for your child or others won’t occur. Just be open to whatever comes your way and call your pediatrician at the first sign of concern, in you or your child. Better to call and have something be nothing than to find out an issue is brewing your pediatrician can help with. A child’s body is very dynamic and changing all the time. And, a school year has a way to molt our children in new an unexpected ways. While most of those changes are wonderful, some can be a bit rough and we don’t want you to face those alone.

There is one rite of passage that all families have to endure before school can begin…back to school shopping.

It’s an experience met with many mixed emotions. There is undeniably some trepidation about what the new school year will be like and how we’ll all get through it. At the same time, a new school year creates a buzz of positive excitement, too, with hopes for new dreams and new possibilities.

This year, the stores were packed as we made our way through my girls’ lists. I typically push the cart while my girls, now in grades 9 and 11, consult each other and gather their supplies. Every once in a while I’ll be presented with a question or a couple items to help them decide between. But, for the most part, I’m the cart pusher. This is their school year so I leave it to them to pick what they want for the hard work they’ll be doing.  I was clearly in the minority this year with this approach.

While a few other parents were hanging with me in the center waiting for our kids, many more looked like these parents:

1. A mom with her 3 teenage girls was frantically zipping about the store snapping at her girls to keep up a she picked up all sorts of supplies and tossed them in the cart. The few times her girls tried to chime in with ideas, mom’s reply was “will you stop distracting me – I only have a few more items.”

2. Down the next aisle was a family of 4: a mom, dad and two school age kids, a boy and a girl. The mom and dad were in deep conference, actually hovering above the class supply list, with the dad measuring supplies to make sure they fit in the backpack correctly.

3. At the front of the store was a mom lost in thought holding the supply list. As she grabbed a set of pens, her frustrated tweenage boy yelled: “I hate those! At what point do I get to choose what I will be using in my own class??!!” Mom stood there looking stunned.

These parents are as well meaning as the rest of us but with one big difference: they don’t seem to get that the school year is about their kids, not themselves. For these parents, school supplies are an extension of the “I know best” philosophy that permeates so many families today. The thing is, school is about our kids and it’s all too easy to forget that.

So, if you found yourself shopping for your kids and not with them this year, take a step back and give up the reins on the little stuff to your kids. Jump in when the stakes are higher, like when a teacher is being unfair with a grade or a bully is lurking.  That stuff they need you for. Pens and binders…trust that they can do that themselves, with you there as guides if needed.

Toddler poop issues are one of the biggest stumbling blocks in potty training. In Stubborn Toddler Poops Part 1: The Behavioral Side I covered the developmental and behavioral reasons for poop issues to develop and offered some strategies for working through them. Today, I’m going to tackle another common poop issue, a more medical problem: constipation.

Constipation can be challenging to detect because kids often still poop regularly. But, there are often some tell-tale signs, well illustrated by this question:

Q:

Dear Dr. Gwenn:

My 2 year old son always cries when he poops. He tells us when he has to poop but then it can take sometimes close to an hour for the poop to come out.  It’s as if he holds it in. The poop is sometimes hard and accompanied by a little blood and other times very loose, so I don’t think he’s constipated. I also have him eat a lot of fruit, some juice and water. Could there be something seriously wrong?  Is there something we should be doing?

A:

Poop problems are very common in young children and can produce a great amount of discomfort. And, more times than not, have a very simple explanation. However, whenever a child is as uncomfortable as your son, it’s always a good idea to call your pediatrician to truly get a handle on the situation and start treatment for what’s causing the discomfort.

Even though your son is having rather regular bowel movements and you have him on a high fiber diet, his history is very suspicious for constipation – that’s the reason for the small stools at one point in time and the loose stools at another point in time. The loose stools are actually leaking of some stool around the hard, small stools that are not cooperating to move forward.  When this occurs, it’s not uncommon for the child to develop some irritation and superficial tears called fissures in the rectal area which creates a small amount of blood streaking.

You are correct that he is holding back the poop. Once a child has one painful poop at this age, the child becomes quite reluctant to poop again which only makes the situation worse. This creates a viscious cycle which often won’t break when it gets to this point without the aid of stool softeners.

There are many myths about stool softeners, the most common is that they are addicting. That is simply not the case. Stool softeners allow the situation to calm down not only so a child can poop without pain but so the intestine can heal and return to it’s normal function again.  Think of the intestine like a big slinky. It has a certain amount of elastic coil that allows it to push the stool along which allows us all to have bowel movements. Hard stools stretch out the elastic areas of the intestine like an overstretched slinky. This adds to the difficulty in a child being able to poop. So, stool softeners help buy time to correct a few problems – medical and behavioral. In some kids this can take a few weeks and in others a few months. Your pediatrician will help you sort out those finer details and pick which stool softener makes sense for your son.

Sorting out which came first the hard stool or the behavioral issue is like figuring out the answer to the chicken and egg question. What’s important is to look forward, fix the problem and know you’ve learned something about your child’s body to help him be more healthy in the future.

Disclosure:

I have partnered with Pull-Ups® to serve as a Pull-Ups® Potty Training Partner. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program, which includes writing articles for Pull-Ups.com, offering tips and advice on the Pull-Ups® Facebook page. However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive comments or endorse the product.

I’m all for a good family day with parents and kids together but I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately of parents taking kids to events that are clearly “adult”.   I can’t help but wonder if today’s modern parent’s need to share has blurred too many parents minds to common sense. Let me give you two examples.

On our cruise to Bermuda last summer, there was an “adult only” show by Second City.  The cruise director didn’t keep this fact hidden. It was announced every which way for two days, in print and by overhead announcements. He even made an announcement just before the show giving the few parents who  still brought their under 18 year old offspring into the lounge, and, yes, it was so “adult” it was held in the lounge, a chance to escort them out. During this last announcement he stated clearly:  ”This is your last reminder. If you choose to have your kids under 18 years of age watch this show, you do so freely, at your discretion, and take full responsibility for the consequences.” In other words, don’t blame us if the content is over the top and inappropriate for your kids…we warned you!!

And, inappropriate for kids under 18 the content truly was! We thoroughly enjoyed the show because our under 18 year old kids were not at the show.  We would not have wanted them to be exposed to what we saw or heard in that show and, to be honest, they wouldn’t have been comfortable either. Actual, in a show like that, it isn’t what occurs on stage that’s the issue but the audience’s behavior that you don’t want your kids to experience at young ages. Their kids. They should be doing kids stuff at their ages…not watching adults make fools of themselves in drunkin’ stupors.

I’ve noticed a similar trend at rock concerts. I’ve seen Bon Jovi twice in the last year. Last summer was at Gillette Stadium. It was an amazing show especially since Kid Rock opened the show for him and played for an hour. If you’ve never seen Kid Rock, he’s an incredibly performer but truly “adult” with lyrics at baseline PG-13 and more typically R-rated if note worse. His CDs always have an “explicit” warning on the cover and his shows have behaviors to go with the lyrics. He’s not someone to see if you get embarrassed easily.

Bon Jovi is lot cleaner and always puts on an amazing show. His music is more “all ages” and show more entertaining. The issue with kids seeing Bon Jovi is more the crowd and greater environment of the concert.

I had the exact same experience over the last 2 weeks both at Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. At the former, it was clearly a PG-13 show and many parents with small kids left after about 2 songs noticeably upset. Had they screened the music, they would have known Katy provide exactly what was expected – by her over 13 crowd.

For Taylor Swift, her show was more innocent but there were many, many families with small kids, toddlers, and they seemed stunned by how late the concert was starting. Outdoor venues typically don’t start until it gets dark and there is always an opening band or two. It’s a safe bet that for a “7pm” concert the headliner will come on around 9pm, give or take…and that’s exactly what occurred.

Parents are truly failing to realize that attending a concert is a multi-media event with variables that go beyond just the music. These events are spectacles and kids don’t focus on the music at all but the greater surrounding. The typical attention span of a tween and young teeen is also about an hour for a concert and 3-4 total for an entire event.  You’ll be at the venue much longer for a typical rock concert given the waiting time alone!

But, the biggest issue to consider at this events is the overall content we are exposing our kids to from what they see to what they hear. Think about it. Given the crowd factor, the kids are likely not going to see the headliner easily at all or hear the music well.  Kids ears are more sensitive than ours to loud music so we have to be realistic that we could damage their hearing at just one of these events and most parents doing realize that. Most seats are so far away that the kids can’t see the headliner, especially if folks stand up, which they usually do. The outlandish behavior of adults at these events is not appropriate for kids to bear witness to with the drinking and sexual behavior that occurs. There’s often smoking even in non-smoking venues which exposes kids to the second hand smoke. And, there’s the issue of lyrics which does impact kids in huge ways.

So, next time you are tempted to buy your kids  a ticket to a show you know really isn’t meant for them, spend that money either on a sitter  or pizza for them, if they are old enough to stay home alone.  Not only will you have more fun at the show, your child will have more fun not being at the show. If the guilt gets to you, bring home a concert shirt and remind your kid that someday they’ll be old enough to attend but some things are just for adults and that’s just the way the world is.

(Originally posted July 2010, Updated June 2011)

We love holidays in our house – and always make a big deal out of them.  This year’s Father’s Day was no exception. Although I did the planning and shopping, Dad did the cooking – and with pleasure since we were grilling, as we do every Father’s Day. We had a great, unplugged day – hence the belated nature of this year’s post!!

As I was pondering what to write for this year’s Father’s Day post, I decided to pull my teen daughter’s into the fun. I asked them each a simple question “When you think of Daddy, what special memory comes to mind?”

Our 16 year old, came up with a memory in a flash – then quickly followed it with some “close seconds”:

“One time, Daddy took me to dinner before a movie – and then after. We went to Unos. That was funny – and really cool.”

“The last time we went to DisneyWorld we went on the Tower of Terror 3 times in 20 minutes – awesome!”

“Any visit to the amusement park…I love roller coasters with Daddy.” (So true! Those two just love things with speed that cause them to dangle at great heights.)

Our 13 year old initially baulked:

“Daddy is just daddy – I love him and he’s awesome. Any thing I do with him is cool.”

When I nudged her a touch, though, she smiled and offered up this:

“Actually, I love when Daddy takes me to the movies – just us.” (They go to everything from teenage girl movies to super hero movies.)

As for me, all I can say is you’ll never find me posting a blog post like this one.

I find it’s the differences between me and my husband that make us work – that ease my stress as a mom. We pass the parenting and household chore toche seamlessly at this point after being together for nearly 2 decades but also know when each other needs it to be passed. So, to the people feeling stressed out by their spouse “not helping”, pass the torch more and have faith he can handle whatever it is.

Happy day-late Father’s Day to the best torch receiver and giver I  know.

I can so relate to this Subaru video:

This was me and my daughter today, two days after she received her driver’s license. She was embarking upon her maiden solo driver’s voyage with great excitement. To the shock of my ears, she and her sister volunteered to go to the grocery store down the road and pick up the necessary items for dinner. With huge butterflies in my stomach, I handed over the grocery list, my car keys, and a scene not unlike the one in the video ensued.

I stood there in the garage as she and her sister pulled out, big smiled on their faces. I could tell how excited and proud my newly licensed teen was, and how psyched her younger teen sister was to have this moment with her sister – freedom without parents. I put on my best smile and waved.

I honestly am not sure I truly breathed until I received the text that simply stated “we arrived”. It felt like an eternity until that text arrived but was only a few minutes – the store is only a couple miles down the road.

My butterflies kept fluttering for about 20 minutes until I heard the garage door open, then they left. The girls were home safely – as was the car. Mission accomplished for all of us – and we all did just fine.

This was the most interesting experience of my parenting life so far and nothing in the world could have prepared me for it. Running it by my husband before they left, his response was simple: “we all have to do this at some point. It’s the only way we’ll all get used to this and feel comfortable.”

That’s truly it in a nutshell.

As parents, we have to learn to let go a bit and trust that the lessons learned have given her a solid enough foundation to build upon if we help her pick the right next steps in this new journey. And, our daughter needs more driving experience to become more competent and safe – and needs some of that experience without us in the car. It will do her no good at all to not allow her to drive because of the many “what ifs” our nervous minds come up with or others toss at us because of statistics and headlines.

Our state has a graduated driver’s license program that our daughter and all her friends are part of. It’s made a huge dent in lowering teen driving accidents. But, if I’m being honest, I’m not worried about the teen drivers. The ones I’ve seen are quite responsible. What I worry about are the adult drivers not being safe on the road – distracted by technology, being impatient, driving too fast, etc. Those adults are bigger risks to our teens than any teen is to anyone at the moment. If we want our teens to be safe on the road, providing the best roles models possible for how to do that should be all of our top priorities.

Have you noticed that one school year barely ends before we are asked to commit to next year’s activities? The snow has barely melted here in New England with our first few warm days of Spring and already we’re planning for the summer and early stages of school year 2011-2012. Mind boggling!

Coordinating one child’s activities is often overwhelming with activities occurring late in the day and with most kids participating in multiple activities each week that that push the limits of even the most organized of schedule keepers. Add to the mix multiple children in a family and working parents and it’s easy to see why so many families feel so frayed these days. Perhaps it’s time we stopped the clock and found a way to reclaim some sanity in all our lives. We had sanity in our lives as kids. Wouldn’t it be great if our kids had a touch of some as well?

What do you remember about your childhood? Most of us had a parent at home, usually our moms. Today, many parents work and their children spend time in after-school programs or with childcare providers at their homes. It was rare to have too many activities in elementary school and weekends and school vacations were considered sacred. We also benefited from a more secure feeling in the world and had a great deal of unstructured time to just be kids. Most of us were well into high school before we became “serious” about an activity; our children are pushed to “specialize” when barely in double digits ages. The world seemed slower and families seemed more content.

Children need enrichment but extracurricular activities are only one way to provide that. Structured activities do keep kids physically and mentally fit and teach discipline, time management and how to work with other people. They also help build a child’s self esteem, offer an outlet for stress and can be great fun. Yet child development experts all agree that kids in general are too overstructured and on overload. The kind of enrichment kids desperately need is right in our own homes.

“Kids should be allowed to be kids”, wrote Alvin Rosenfeld, MD, a nationally renowned child psychiatrist and author of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. “A parent has to decide what’s appropriate, when to say no, and what really matters…Be unproductive with your kids – play Monopoly, shoot hoops, take a walk, listen to music – anything that you both enjoy that has no goal. This convinces your kids that they’re important, that who they are, not what they create, matters. And that really helps self-esteem.”

Keep in mind that any thing you schedule for your child is an activity and takes away from family time – and that includes playdates and time spent with other families. The best rule of thumb is the younger the child the less organized activity they need. The preteen and teenage years are when kids will naturally start to focus and gravitate towards their true passions. What are those true passions? Only our children can answer that question and our passions may not be their passions. Our job is to help them find the path that makes their dreams for themselves come true.

Our children will cue us when they are on overload. Keep an eye out for mood changes, fatigue, a change in school performance, inability to complete homework, a change in sleep pattern or appetite, physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches, or becoming resistant to attending an activity or practicing for it. All kids have off days, just like we do as adults. However, if your child seems to be more off than on, give him a breather and consult your doctor. Your child’s coaches and teachers can also be a wonderful resource to help determine what your child needs.

Likely the most important area to monitor is overall family harmony. Lack of real family time, bickering among family members or new strains in a marriage are all red flags that the mix is off for your family. Ask yourself when the last time you all had dinner together or just hung out as a family. Ideally, you’ll be able to recall at least one moment a week that is just for your family. Being in the same car together really is no substitute for true undistracted time together. So, before you say “yes” again to a new activity, including donating your time, make sure it is not at the expense of what is really important – your family’s happiness.

A few years ago, Dr. Rosenfeld endorsed a grassroots effort in New Jersey called “ready, set, relax” (www.readysetrelex.org). An entire community literally took a day off from all distractions and activities and found the results very empowering. A decade later, this event is still going strong in New Jersey and trickling across the country in scattered areas. I suspect people’s skepticism is what has prevented it from taking hold in a major way nationwide. I recall a conversation I had in 2003-2004 with my daughter’s elementary school Principal suggesting we try this as an event and she shot it down. “It would never work”, she told me. “People are too busy.” I told her that was the point – to give them a break from busy. Almost a decade later, busy is now on over drive and I can’t help wonder what would have happened if she just took the time from her busy day to realize the opportunity she actually had the power to do something about to help her school, and then community, get more healthy.

It’s never too late for a night out from activities and chaos. When we were kids we needed down time and family time and thirty plus years later our kids do too. Society isn’t robbing our kids of their childhoods, we are. We’re the ones signing them up for things. So, let’s take back the reigns. Let’s help them regain some sanity in their lives and have a childhood – at least once in a while. Ready? I am…and I have a feeling I know a few kids in my home and perhaps yours who are ready, too.

(Originally posted in 2009; Updated in 2011)