Q&A: Helping children with Shyness
By Gwenn Schurgin O’Keeffe, MD, FAAP
Parents and Kids
April 2002

Q: My daughter tends to be very timid and shy in social situations. Is there anything I can do to encourage her or make her feel more comfortable?

A: As a parent of two daughters, I know first hand how distressing this can be for both parent and child! Responding to your question is difficult in that emotional expectations and interventions are dependent on the age of the child. That said, in general, and for most ages, time and experience usually ease shyness considerably in the long term. In the short term, here are some ideas that have helped not only families I’ve cared for but have helped me with my own children.
First, look into the past for past patterns and clues to when the shyness might occur. Look at events that went well and see if you did anything differently to prepare her for the event or to help her once you were at the event. Was it simply giving her time to transition or was it something specific like bringing a security blanket or toy from home and leaving it in the car or a bag? Did you initially stay with her before she ventured off alone? Did you help with a birthday party so she could know you were near by? Were there people she knew at the party – family and friends - that she could interact with and that helped her ease into the event? Whatever it was, if it worked in the past, try it again!
Similarly, if a particular type of event has been traditionally too overwhelming for her, consider limiting such events until she has a few more positive experiences in social situations. Sometimes being very picky over what you allow her to attend will keep the bad experiences to a minimum and help rebuild her confidence.
Also, on a daily basis try to help her be more flexible about trying new things – new foods, new toys, new games – the sky’s the limit. In many ways, social events are really just very big new things – if the small things are a cinch, than the big things will just get easier and easier.
Finally, remember, help is just a phone call away – especially if her shyness is becoming more global and really impacting her ability to thrive and enjoy new experiences and social interaction. Call you pediatrician for advice or support – sometimes just talking the situation through with someone who has heard many similar stories and has dedicated her life to helping kids can be invaluable in helping you help your child.

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