Are We Robbing Our Kids?

Have you noticed that one school year barely ends before we are asked to commit to next year’s activities? Coordinating one child’s activities can be mind boggling with kids today participating in multiple activities that often occur very late in the afternoon and on weekends. Add to that mixture more children and parent’s work lives and it’s no wonder we all feel a bit harried most of the time. Before we run out steam and our palm pilots start to sizzle, perhaps it’s time we stopped the clock.

What do you remember about your childhood? Most of us had a parent at home, usually our moms. Today, many parents work and their children spend time in after-school programs or with childcare providers at their homes. It was rare to have too many activities in elementary school and weekends and school vacations were considered sacred. We also benefited from a more secure feeling in the world and had a great deal of unstructured time to just be kids. Most of us were well into high school before we became “serious” about an activity; our children are pushed to “specialize” when barely in double digits ages. The world seemed slower and families seemed more content.

Children need enrichment but extracurricular activities are only one way to provide that. Structured activities do keep kids physically and mentally fit and teach discipline, time management and how to work with other people. They also help build a child’s self esteem, offer an outlet for stress and can be great fun. Yet child development experts all agree that kids in general are too overstructured and on overload. The kind of enrichment kids desperately need is right in our own homes.

“Kids should be allowed to be kids”, wrote Alvin Rosenfeld, MD, a nationally renowned child psychiatrist and author of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. “A parent has to decide what’s appropriate, when to say no, and what really matters…Be unproductive with your kids – play Monopoly, shoot hoops, take a walk, listen to music – anything that you both enjoy that has no goal. This convinces your kids that they’re important, that who they are, not what they create, matters. And that really helps self-esteem.”

Keep in mind that any thing you schedule for your child is an activity and takes away from family time – and that includes playdates and time spent with other families. The best rule of thumb is the younger the child the less organized activity they need. The preteen and teenage years are when kids will naturally start to focus and gravitate towards their true passions. What are those true passions? Only our children can answer that question and our passions may not be their passions. Our job is to help them find the path that makes their dreams for themselves come true.

Our children will cue us when they are on overload. Keep an eye out for mood changes, fatigue, a change in school performance, inability to complete homework, a change in sleep pattern or appetite, physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches, or becoming resistant to attending an activity or practicing for it. All kids have off days, just like we do as adults. However, if your child seems to be more off than on, give him a breather and consult your doctor. Your child’s coaches and teachers can also be a wonderful resource to help determine what your child needs.

Likely the most important area to monitor is overall family harmony. Lack of real family time, bickering among family members or new strains in a marriage are all red flags that the mix is off for your family. Ask yourself when the last time you all had dinner together or just hung out as a family. Ideally, you’ll be able to recall at least one moment a week that is just for your family. Being in the same car together really is no substitute for true undistracted time together. So, before you say “yes” again to a new activity, including donating your time, make sure it is not at the expense of what is really important – your family’s happiness.

Dr. Rosenfeld recently endorsed a grassroots effort in New Jersey called: “ready, set, relax” (www.readysetrelex.org). An entire community literally took a day off from all distractions and activities and found the results very empowering. This concept is so simple it’s brilliant and would be something for all our communities and school systems to consider. What a wonderful PTO project this would make for the upcoming year – especially if all our communities did it together!

The more things change, the more they stay the same – at least fundamentally. When we were kids we needed down time and family time and thirty plus years later our kids do too. So, “ready, set, relax”.

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