Conflict with Children: Turning Frustrating Moments into Life Lessons….

Conflict between parents and children is ageless and occurs in every family. While stressful, experts agree that conflict is actually beneficial for children and that learning to manage conflict as a child an essential element for developing into caring adults. Understanding why conflict occurs and the lessons they teach our children will provides the key to minimizing clashes between you and your kids.

Conflict between children and parents emerges as our children attempt to develop a sense of self and learn to express their needs and ideas. Parents help nurture and drive this evolution of independence by exposing children to the outside world both formally and informally. In that sense, when our children disagree with us, they are actually expressing the autonomy that we have helped them develop.

Conflict between children and parents can occur for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s just a difference of opinion over when something should be done or what items are purchased. Stress at home or school certainly makes these clashes more intense and sometimes can be the sole trigger for the conflict. Other times, kids push back to reclaim some control when the environment either at home or in school feels too demanding. So it is important to be sensitive to how the environment may be contributing to the behavior.

Conflict can be just a way to blow off some steam. Very rarely, constant conflict between a parent and child can indicate a deeper emotional problem. If your child’s overall behavior is becoming all encompassing and interfering with their ability to function well at home our in school, consult your pediatrician for further advice.

Newsweek’s September 13, 2004 issue addressed the importance of conflict from the perspective of cultivating deeper values, materialism and limit setting. Specifically, studies are showing that children who get what they want all the time tend to become adults who are “narcissistic, spoiled, not inclined to work hard, and (have) impulse-control problems”. They advocate a well-outlined reward and consequence approach to child rearing.

As parents, our goal is to achieve a balance. Sometimes, we need to give up some control and other times we’ll need to exert more. Sometimes our children will get their way and other times they will have to. The key to success is in reasonable negotiation, appropriate choices and a willingness to follow-through on consequences as well as rewards. And, it’s important to pick and choose our battles and avoid continuous conflict.

The consequences and rewards you choose should have some meaning to your child. The consequences may be not watching a TV show or not going on a playdate. Similarly, the reward may be getting to watch a show or visit with a friend. What’s important is that we offer our children choices when appropriate and that we follow through with either the reward or consequence. We may not avoid every tantrum when our children don’t get their way but with repetition and consistency conflict will lessen over time. Our kids will also learn to manage their expectations and emotions over conflict a bit easier.

The choices we offer our children should be determined by age and developmental level. For preschool children, an appropriate choice would be deciding what clothes they can wear to school, which movie the family will watch together, or what story to read at bedtime. For school-aged children, the choice needs to have more responsibility associated: such as when to do homework, how to arrange their bedroom, choosing their after school activities. For teens, let them choose their own elective courses, after school jobs, free time, or college plans. Basically, the more responsible they are, the more choice they get as a reward – at any age.

A child is never too young to start learning these lessons. Conflict resolution at home actually lays the groundwork for tougher situations later in life such as dating, drinking, drugs, or smoking. Practicing conflict resolution at home also helps kids develop strategies to solve tougher problems when not at home. The push and pull that happens with their parents is how kids learn to deal with the world and how they learn that people who care about each other may sometimes be at odds. Home is the rehearsal; the playground and school is the Big Show.

A house with a strong foundation is certainly more able to withstand a greater variety of internal and external strain than one with cracks in it. Helping your kids learn how to handle conflict, accept limits, and negotiate their needs against other priorities is a sure way to help them develop a foundation strong for a lifetime.

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