Sibling Wars: Reclaiming Peace in Your Home

The boy places his finger as close to his sister’s arm as possible and says, “I’m not touching you”. His sister, meanwhile, emphatically replies, “You are touching me!” This scene from a television commercial certainly sounds familiar to me, not only from my own childhood, but in the interactions between my children as well.

Sibling rivalry is common in just about all families and is aptly named. Children’s behavior is often a genuine rivalry for their parents’ attention. These battles of wills are one of the ways children sort-out their place in the family unit, resembling a survival of the fittest struggle not unlike animals in the wild marking their territory. In the broadest sense, these conflicts are role-playing and can lead to the development of conflict resolution strategies that will be employed throughout their lives. That said, let’s face it, knowing your children are learning a “life lesson” does not diminish the aggravation and frustration we all feel as these scenes play out in our home. And, there is an opportunity to help children develop positive rather than negative strategies. Knowing a bit about what fuels the fire can actually help us put the fire out before it starts.

The birth of a new child can trigger a strong emotional reaction in a family’s older kids. Parents stand at the center of every child’s universe. Sharing a parent is hard. Children can worry about losing the “special” relationship they have with their parents. It’s easy to become jealous and to lash out at siblings whom a child believes are taking away their parents’ attention. How a parent responds to each child and the dynamic of sibling rivalry can either help or make a bad situation worse. Here are some ideas that may bring about a truce in your home:

1. Avoid taking sides. It takes two to tango regardless of who starts off the battle. Part of the motivation for squabbles is to get your reaction and force your hand to take sides. Remove that element and the battles may not be worthwhile for your children.
2. Try not to compare one child to another. Every child has his or her own unique place in a family and goes through a phase of wishing to be an only child.
3. Keep their ages in mind. Toddlers can disrupt an older child’s belongings. You may need to have a place in the house dedicated to big brother or sister’s things. Also, it’s natural for all kids to regress and act like a baby when a newborn arrives on the scene.
4. Stay out of it, unless bodily harm is imminent. You’ll never succeed in figuring out what just occurred. Reward both if they solve their own problem, and intervene equally with both if they persist. The only way to diffuse a battle is to ignore it and treat each child as equals. Teach them to use words for solving conflicts and never allow a disagreement to get physical. Whether you’re dealing with boys or girls, hitting and other angry physical contact should never be allowed.
5. Spend time doing fun things as a family. Families who enjoy being together tend to have fewer disagreements.
6. Discipline in private to avoid embarrassing one child in front of others or giving other kids a reason to think they “won”.
7. Try a schedule for certain activities that seem to trigger conflicts such as television, video games, and even dolls. My kids love to argue over who’s turn it is to care for “bumpa”, one of my husband’s boyhood toys. A schedule really helped us, and they even worked together on creating their schedule.
8. Try weekly meetings to discuss family issues. The goal is arbitration and teaching compassionate listening. Try using an example they can relate to. I’ll often ask my kids how they would feel if a friend treated them the way they just treated their sibling. This can also work when kids are sassy toward parents as well.
9. Make sure all kids have some sibling-free time and exclusive time alone with parents. That can be tricky, but it is well worth the effort.
10. Guide your children to books, TV shows and movies that show examples of positive sibling relationships, including conflicts that are solved positively. Watch these shows with your kids and use them as teachable moments for their sibling issues. The Cosby Show and Full House are two of my favorites.

These strategies work most of the time and in most families. However, there are times when sibling dynamics can signal a deeper family issue requiring professional help. Call your doctor for assistance if:

1. Sibling battles are interfering with your marriage.
2. Conflicts are causing physical or psychological harm to someone in the family.
3. You are worried that a conflict may stem from a psychological problem such as depression or drug use by a family member (including parents).
4. Conflicts seem endless and cause battles between everyone all the time.

Praise your kids when they get along and ignore their routine squabbles. One of these days you’re likely to find yourself with the family peace you’ve been hoping for.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now.
All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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