When do children understand
the word “no” ?
Pediatrics Now –
Question #1, January 2006
Q: I
hope you can answer this child development
question that my husband and I disagree
on. We have an active 16 month old son. At
what age should he understand AND FOLLOW
the word No. Example: we’ve been telling
him
“no touching the outlet” for
about 6-8 months. He’ll stand next
to an outlet and wag his finger and babble.
I assume he understands he’s not supposed
to touch it. But, I don’t think he
has the self-disciple yet to stay away.
My husband thinks he should have learned
to stay away from the outlets four months
ago. At what age will he finally put the
two together—understanding that
he’s not supposed to touch the outlet
and then actually not touching the outlet?
A: Good
question! You and your husband raise excellent
points but neither of you has a good handle
on what’s really going on. In a word,
control. Your son is now an official member
of the “terrible 2’s” farm
league...that delightfully exasperating phase
of over exuberance, exploration and button
pushing.
While your son’s short
term memory is underdeveloped compared to
an older child, memory is not the issue in
this case. He clearly knows what he is doing
by wagging his finger at the outlet and is
testing his limits with you for 2 purposes:
button pushing and attention. Saying “no”
to your son is toddler code for “let’s
give it a try and see what mom and dad do”.
“No” means “don’t
do it” to you but “let’s
give it a try and see how Mom and Dad react”
to your son. Dr. Ed Bailey, Medical Director
of North Shore Children’s Hospital in
Salem, MA, explains that “non compliance
(in young toddlers) is 1) often attention
seeking, 2) at times defiant, and 3) environmental
testing , thus the pushing of buttons. ‘No’
doesn't mean ‘I don't remember’,
it means ‘I don't care, I want your
attention, and I wonder what happens if I
do x’.” Remember, your son’s
goal is to push your buttons. If he knows
he has succeeded, he will come back for more.
So, try and stay calm and redirect him to
something new.
But this doesn’t end
the story. Complicating matters is the fact
that toddlers are incredibly impulsive and
immediate and that will last until preschool.
“I remember quite clearly when my daughter
(age 4) finally developed a superego –
it wasn’t that long ago”, comments
Dr. Donna Wren, pediatrician and mother of
2. “Just because a toddler knows he
shouldn't do it doesn't mean he has the self
control to realize that it applies to HIM
at ALL TIMES and to actually apply that self-regulation.”
Staying calm can be
a real challenge where toddlers are concerned.
Toddlers can really zap your physical and
emotional energy and push parental sanity
to it’s very limits. Make sure you,
your husband and your marriage all get some
toddler-free time on occasion to refuel your
adult souls. Learn to do this now, and the
terrible 2’s (and 3’s) just may
not seem so terrible - by then you’ll
be an old pro!
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