Parents Should Forget the ‘What-ifs’ and Enjoy the Now

While celebrating some holiday cheer together, some fellow parents and I starting joking about the impact of kids on our lives. One dad joked that “nothing has changed – I still watch football – just while doing laundry and cooking”; one couple with 4 kids joked that they always wanted to know what it was like to run a short-order kitchen; and, another dad mentioned that as a child he dreamt of being a bus driver – and now he gets to every Saturday morning with his child and a van load of other kids. Then, from under all the laughter, we heard “careers are overrated in any event”. We turned to a mom who while still chuckling had a pained look in her eye.

Kids change everything and it’s often when we try and deny that fact that our lives become stressful. Sure, maybe we all could have achieved some other career accolade sooner if we did not have kids when we did. But, have you ever stopped to consider what people who chose careers over family are missing – whether they are workoholics or just kid-less?

I know many people with successful careers and very happy family lives. Whether full time and or part time, these folks all modified their goals here and there and all worked hard to find a balance between work and family. At the same time, it seems that for every person out there that is happy with their mix, there are just as many unhappy. And, the majority of these unhappy people have the same root cause of their pain: their definition of “success” is not in synch with their life. It’s not realistic. These folks want to have their cake and eat it too and then wonder why they don’t feel satisfied.

Sure, you could be a CEO, head of a department, world renowned x, y or z – but would you know your kids, your spouse or partner? Would you feel part of the community you live in? Nowadays parents seem to be expected to be around more and more – and while that works for some it does not work for all. I know many “stay home” parents who can’t get to all the volunteer events that the schools offer. I know many parents who almost make volunteering a career. Again, it’s the mix that matters in the end.

The honest truth is for the mix to work you need to make sure you don’t get lost in the shuffle – in the end that’s what creates the stress. It is tempting to put ourselves and our needs second to our loved ones – our kids, our spouses, our parents. Carving out “me time” is crucial to keeping ourselves balanced and happy. Whatever it is that floats your boat – makes sure you have time for it each and every week.

So, as you are doing your spring cleaning this year, add your soul and what if’s to the mix – instead of agonizing over the life we thought we’d have, try embracing the one you do have complete with the myriad of amazing ways our lives have been enhanced by choosing a life partner and having children. Even the best of careers sound very lonely with those people around to share our successes with us.

Last week I found a wonderful plaque in the break room in the new ER: “A hundred years from now…it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child” (Kathy Davis, 1993). You’ll know when you’ve found the right mix when you stop thinking of all the “what ifs” and just enjoy the now.

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