Control issues and Teens

The other day, a teen came in for back pain. The teen was annoyed with her mother for making “too much of this” even though she was clearly uncomfortable; her mom was annoyed with her for not being cooperative. Turns out, the teen uses a heavy backpack on the side of the pain. The exchange of stares between them was very telling – clearly this was a longstanding battle of wills. I quickly surfed the web and gave them some literature to read and discuss together. Both glanced over it quickly and the cool stares were replaced by softer, more reasonable glances. Neither one officially caved but at least the door was now open between them.

The battles between teens and parents take on many forms but in the end are the same cause, control. Whether it be clothing, music, video games, movies, new friends, or the weight of a backpack, teens are determined to forge their own way even in the face of problems and parents are determined to force a solution. We don’t quite have these struggles with younger kids because we actually have more real control with them. We can simply not buy certain clothes or allow our kids to play certain computer or video games. Sure, there may some tears from time to time but younger kids simply respect the decisions of their parents a bit more willingly than teenagers.

While the battle ground between parents and teens is old the rules today are clearly different. Not too long ago, teens had to work hard to make money to buy records. People in general had to go somewhere to experience just about everything from music to movies. All of us remember doing chores to buy a record and standing in line for hours to see Star Wars. Nowadays, all these things are a click away on the computer, delivered to our front doors, and often free of charge. Its harder and harder to shield our kids from “adult” topics because the images are everywhere and readily available.

We can teach our kids what to do by limiting our own exposure to certain types of material and music, especially when our kids are around. Consider previewing a movie or CD if your teen shows interest and watch or listen together if you find it appropriate. Use certain shows or lyrics as common ground to talk to your teen about sex, violence, drugs, the treatment of women and children, and tolerance of different cultures. Sometimes just throwing out an idea to let your teen ponder is enough. And, just being with your teen for the experience will help reinforce that you willing to be available to him or her even for more delicate topics.

As our kids become teens, try and warn them ahead of time of some of the dangers of technology. For example, if they are listening to music very loudly, they can actually go deaf. If listening to loud music while driving or walking with earphones they can easily become distracted and get into an accident.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Next time you feel the need to lecture, surf the web for a site that covers responsibly the message you want to convey. Not only will this get you and your teen on some common ground, it will show your teen that anything he can find on the net, you can as well.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now. All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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