Parents judging parents

A mom of 2 small children recently sent me an interesting: “I wonder if there may be a column about parenting styles, and how difficult it is to accept that there is no one right way. I think parents beat themselves up too much (or gossip about others) because the 4-year-old child still sleeps in their bed, a 3-year-old still uses a pacifier or diapers, an 8-year-old can't ride a bike, this sort of thing. It seems as though parents are awfully tough on other parents.”

We all work hard to teach our kids to be nice to each other and to respect differences of opinion. We teach them that bullying is wrong and that they should not believe everything they hear. Yet, when it comes to other parents, we often violate these basic rules of human interaction. Parenting is tough work. Many times we feel like we are floating up stream without a paddle. The multitude of daily pressures wear on us and it is easy to become hyper-critical, sensitive, and defensive.

Not too long ago we used to use the phone to talk to each other – now we use email. Kids used to spend afterschool days and summers playing in backyards and at each other’s houses; now kids are scheduled daily in afterschool programs and summer camps. Its no wonder that we not only don’t know each other well enough to give each other the benefit of the doubt but we are too overwhelmed to feel confident with our parenting decisions. Yet, we are all reassured when we know that others have had similar experiences with their kids.

In 1996, Hillary Clinton brought this issue into focus at the Democratic National Convention and in her book “it takes a village to raise a child”. Based on an African proverb, this one phrase captures the reality of raising a child – that the community is not only involved but essential for all our children. “….Of course”, commented Mrs. Clinton, “parents, first and foremost, are responsible for their children. But we are all responsible for ensuring that children are raised in a nation that doesn’t just talk about family values, but acts in ways that values families….We all know that raising kids is a full-time job and since most parents work, they are, we are stretched thin. Just think about what many parents are responsible for on any given day. Packing lunches, dropping the kids off at school, going to work, checking to make sure that the kids get home from school safely, shopping, …helping with homework, paying the bills, ….And we have learned that to raise a happy, healthy and hopeful child, it takes a family, it takes teachers, it takes clergy, it takes business people, it takes community leaders, it takes those who protect our health and safety, it takes all of us”.

So, the next time you are on the soccer field or at a school event and catch wind of some gossip, take a deep breath and keep an open mind. Before jumping to conclusions about what another parent says or does, think about what you would do in the same situation. Perhaps all we need to do is listen, empathize and store away what we learn. Who knows? We may just stumble upon an idea that will come in handy one day with our own kids! Afterall, just because an idea or approach is different, does not make it wrong.

My daughter’s second grade class motto captures this more simply: “because nice matters”. So, here’s to a year of “niceness” and a community of happy villagers.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now.
All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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