The ‘working’ parent blues

Dr. Gwenn O’Keeffe, a pediatrician at North Shore Children’s Hospital, writes a weekly column on child health issues.

After my first column appeared, I received a letter from a mom who started her question with “I have three children, all boys, 9, 4, & 2. I work full time as does my husband and we both occasionally suffer from parental guilt as a result”. It may surprise you to learn that her questions were actually about speech delay and kindergarten readiness. So, why did she mention that she and her husband work and feel guilty for that? Hard to not feel this way as a parent in today’s world. So many of us become so consumed with guilt that we actually loose sight of what is important and can’t appreciate the wonderful times we are having daily with our families.

Did you ever stop to ask yourself how we got to this crazy place? Think about it for a moment. Before we all had children, we put all of ourselves into figuring out what we wanted to do with our lives when “we grew up”. One way or another, we’ve all expended a lot of time and energy to become productive adults and have busy, happy lives. Then, just when we think we’ve mastered life, along come our children and in an instant everything we thought we knew, everything we thought was important was toppled over. Our worlds which once revolved around our individual priorities and us now revolve around our babies and what we need to do for them. It’s no wonder that the birth of a child is one of life’s greatest joys and greatest stressors all at the same time!!

So, what can we do to “reclaim” our lives and feel less guilty? First, be realistic that you can’t do everything and be everywhere at once. Trust your instincts – you know what you and your children can handle in a given week so if your guilt stems from doing too much, cutting back is perfectly fine.

Reclaim some time just for you. Restart something you used to do before you had children or take up a new hobby that you’ve wanted to pursue. Make it something just for you and selfishly feed your soul a bit. Try setting a date with your spouse – kid-less time is paramount to sanity and happiness.

For maximizing family time, remember that it is not the amount of time you spend with your family but what you do with the time you do have. Set aside special times each week just for your family. Have a family game night or movie night. Make dinner together. Or, try my kids’ favorite bonding activity, cookie-baking night (but, use the pre-made dough – they won’t know the difference, its quick and the result is the same!!).

When you do have to work, find ways to stay connected even when you can’t be home. When I’m at work, I call my children before bedtime just to say “hi”. Sometimes they don’t want to talk but just have a phone hug (or a “squish” as my 5 year old calls it!). Instead of feeling guilty about not being with them, think about something you’ve experienced with them recently that makes you smile – I carry around 2 small pictures that my kids made for me and my husband has some taped in his wallet. Hard to not smile when looking at an amoeba with legs that is meant to be her pet guinea pig or a big heart that says “I love you, Mama”!

© 2005 Pediatrics Now. All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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