THE BIG TALK: when kids ask tough questions

How did you learn about the birds and the bees? Regardless of the details, all of our talks contained the uncomfortable pauses and the lingering “I can’t believe I’m talking to my mom/dad about this” feeling. And, some of us never had “the talk” – we just kind of picked things up as we went. Talking about “sex” was a kind of taboo – in many families and in society. Our goal is to be sure we don’t pass along that taboo feeling to our kids for something that is, in the end, a basic part of life.

Remember, talking about sex does not give your children permission to have sex or increase the chances that they will want to have sex at a young age. In fact, recent studies suggest the opposite – open and honest conversations with kids and teaching kids the message that they can talk to us parents about tough topics actually decreases a kid’s desire to delve into more risky behaviors at young ages. And, give the explosion of technology, our kids are exposed to sexual images and ideas at much younger ages than any of us were. It’s our jobs to help them process what they see and try to keep what they are exposed to age-appropriate.

Long before most kids actually want to have or have sex, they have to go through puberty – which can be really awkward and scary to many kids. The actual details of sexuality will evolve over time as your child’s body changes and as their development matures. Almost as soon as our kids are out of diapers, “sex ed” is underway and you’ve covered a lot of ground already. Think about how much a child knows by the time they are barely preschoolers: they know their gender and the differences between themselves and the other gender; they know what their “private parts” are and what “private parts” the other gender has – including names for those parts (which, by the way, are purely anatomic names and not “dirty” at all); they have some idea why their “private parts” are private; they know that someday their bodies will change to look like their mommies or daddies bodies; they know that mommies and daddies somehow make a baby together, the baby grows in the mommy’s belly, and that the baby comes out from the mommy somehow; and, for hopefully the majority of families, they know that love, trust and caring between a mommy and a daddy are what really gets the baby made. They may not be able to communicate all the exact details of these concepts but the observations they make of you and other adults reinforces these messages from very young ages.

Don’t feel you are alone with this – help is nearby. Talk to your friends for tips on what has worked for them. Your pediatrician can also provide you with brochures on helping kids understand puberty and sex. And, there is great information on the internet. Three that stand out include www.aboutourkids.org, www.talkingwithkids.org and www.kidshealth.org. All three sources contain excellent sources and Kidshealth also has great information just for kids.

Fostering open communication, love and mutual respect is the only way to keep the door between you and your kids open regardless of what they carry through it to you. It won’t always be easy – we won’t always approve of what they decide to do, and they won’t always be thrilled with our reactions to their behavior – but at least they’ll know they can walk through the door and turn to you – no matter what.

“May the Force be with you” as you embark upon this uncharted journey with your kids.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now.
All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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