Talking about tough topics

Not too long ago my 8 year-old came home from a play date, excited about a new video game. The game has the usual features that 8-9 year old kids love: magical worlds, cute little creatures, and challenges that make your little creatures grow. “The best part”, she told me, “is that they can mate”. Time froze as I just looked at her completely dumbfounded. “What do you mean by mate?” She replied: “Mama, you know”, she replied, “have babies. Then we get to care for the babies so they can evolve.” “How do they do that?” Now she seemed annoyed. “Mama! They just do – like people”. Now I could feel my heart rate rise. “Well, how do people have babies?” She giggled. “Mama, everyone knows that. People fall in love and get married – when they are grownups.” My little one added: “That’s why they kiss at weddings. Cousin L kissed D at the wedding – so they will have a baby soon.” We left it at that.

Discussions with our kids over tough topics are not only inevitable but also essential. Any topic is fair game from sex and sexuality, drugs, school problems, violence, and world events, to name a few. We can’t always anticipate when the conversation will occur so it’s important to have some idea of how to approach discussions covering sensitive topics, in general, with your child. According to the experts from Talking to Kids (www.talkingwithkids.org), there are ten key tips that will guide you through even the most sensitive of topics:

• Communicate your own values.
• Listen to your child - Even about sex and sexuality
• Create an open environment.
• Communicate your own values. Start Early.
• Initiate conversations with your child.
• Try to be honest.
• Be patient.
• Use everyday opportunities to talk.
• Talk about it again. And, again.

I’ll add a few of my own tips:

• Remember that we are talking to kids and need to be sure that our explanation fits what our kids are asking and is appropriate for their developmental age.
• While we never want to lie to our kids, we can bend the truth at times and resist from giving too many details.
• Our explanation needs to answer what the child is asking – not what we think they are asking.
• Our answers to their questions need to be age-appropriate.
• We need to give the clear, unambiguous message that we are always available to them to talk, to answer questions, and to help them if they make a mistake.
• We need our kids to know that we love them even when they make a mistake; that we may get mad or disappointed but will always help them figure out what to do.
• We need to remind ourselves that talking about a subject provides your child with information; talking does NOT give your child permission to do something.

I’ll end with another story – from about a year ago. After the birth of my brother’s son, my kids were talking about how Baby J got into Aunt S’s belly. My older daughter said – “it’s a love thing. Zoë told me at school it’s a hug”. My younger daughter said: “No! That’s silly – they must have their brains think really hard – you think and the think tells your tummy to make a baby.” Not sure what to believe, my oldest daughter yelled: “Mommy and Daddy quick! Stop thinking! I don’t want another sister!” We just smiled and moved on to another topic.

So, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for whatever question comes next!

© 2005 Pediatrics Now. All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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