Parenting during a time of War

“Mama, did you know we are at war? L told me at school today. By the way, we did not catch the Leprechaun this year – but he left us a lollipop”. It was St. Patrick’s Day and my daughter’s 2nd grade class had an interesting day that included everything from why their well-crafted traps had not held the Leprechaun for very long to Iraq and war. At the morning meeting, Ms. M, their teacher, congratulated them on their clever traps and reminded them that Leprechaun’s are notoriously tricky - she has yet to have a class actually keep him long in the trap. Then she remarked: “Some of you read the newspapers and watch more TV than others in the class so you know more about what’s happening in Iraq. You know that Iraq is very far away and that we are safe here. If you see or hear something that scares you, please come talk to me – anytime”. Responding to an email I had sent about some class issues, including the Leprechaun’s and the topic of Iraq, Ms. M replied “No Leprechauns’ this year – although there was evidence! It's unnerving how much SOME of these 7 and 8 year olds know (about the war).”

So, how should you talk about your kids about the War? The strategies that Ms. M used on St. Patrick’s Day hit on all the key points:
• Recognize that all kids need reassurance about their safety.
• Realize that kids of similar ages have varying levels of knowledge about the event.
• Open the door for kids to talk if needed.
• Avoid too much detail and keep conversations to the point.
• Remember that images from the media and comments heard can be frightening.
• Keep in mind that kids can only absorb what their development will allow and that young kids still embrace fantasies like the existence of Leprechauns.

Since 9/11, we’ve been almost overwhelmed by information on how to talk to our kids about bad events. At the same time, most of us have never actually lived through a War and we are all very uncertain about what to think. Many of us have friends or relatives in the Armed Services and worry about whether they will return safely. And, given 9/11, we worry that the battle field may wander across the seas to us.

There are many excellent sources of information available to you and undoubtedly your child’s school has provided you with some already. I want to refer you to 3 web sites that have a particularly good collection of materials and links on talking to kids about war, about Iraq, and highlights the differences in coping among different age groups: The American Academy of Pediatrics (www.aap.org), New York University Child Study Center (www.aboutourkids.org) and PBS (www.pbs.org).

In the end, however, words and explanations can go just so far and will be more helpful to us than our children. The ultimate reassurance for our kids will be lack of disruption of what they are used to in their lives. The predictability of their routines is what will prove to our kids that all is well. Even older kids and teens need this reassurance, as do all of us. “It’s nice to know that there is a certain rhythm of our lives that seems undisturbed by other events”, commented a Principal in our Town after seeing the excitement of children at a recent school meeting.

So, embrace what is important to you and keep on doing it. As a music colleague recently remarked: “The World may be unraveling as we speak but at least we have something civilized to look forward to and do each week”.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now. All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

[back to Salem News Archive]