Children need help becoming self-sufficient

A pediatric colleague left her busy practice a few years back to be home full-time with her teenage kids who were “squeaky” clean by all standards. “It’s a myth that they need you most when they’re young”, she said. “It’s the hormone years when they need you the most. That’s when they can get into the most trouble and get hopelessly lost”. I remember then thinking that this seemed awfully drastic – after all, aren’t teens supposed to be self-sufficient, at least somewhat? The problem is, teens are not as self-sufficient as they want us to believe and all really do want us to stay involved. I wonder if my colleague’s kids realized what a smart mom they have!

It would be shortsighted for any of us to think that our kids are immune because of where we live or what our family income is. All teenagers struggle with a powerful urge for independence as well as a need to stay connected to their family and friends. They are driven to be with their peers and to fit in, which can place them at serious risk for physical harm and the possibility of emotional isolation. At the same time, they desire a connectedness to their families and value their support and praise. Parents, too, desire this connectedness but struggle with allowing the cord to stretch a bit while being vigilant to when to pull it back in. This is a nerve-wracking time for both parents and teens and it can be difficult to know which side of the rope to walk.

Helping our teens survive their journey to adulthood requires a strong foundation that has hopefully been built throughout their lives. The specifics of this foundation will differ from family to family but share some common elements: strong, loving family relationships with parents, grandparents, siblings; a spiritual foundation; achievements in school and the community that result in a high degree of self-esteem and confidence.

While we work as parents to give our teens some amount of freedom and responsibility, we also need to work to stay active in their lives and keep them active in the family. A mentor once told me “a busy teen is a happy teen but know what he is busy doing”. I think this is sound advice. While we may not be doing as much on-site supervision, we still need to be involved and clearly let our teens know that responsibility is a two-way street – if they want it, they need to follow our rules or they will lose it.

One way to stay involved with our teens is to keep them involved with the family by spending time together as a family. It is equally important to stay involved in their lives by attending their events and helping them to achieve personal goals and to try new things.

When problems arise -- and they will -- avoid lectures, if possible, and try to have a conversation with your teen about what has occurred, the consequences of it, and what would be a fair and appropriate punishment, if needed. While we need to be there for them unconditionally, we also need them to learn the consequences of their actions and to accept responsibility for what they have done. Consider enlisting the help of a guidance counselor, especially if your teen is experimenting with more risky behaviors such as drugs, violence, and truancy.

Just remember, “A busy teen is a happy teen” but it’s our job to make sure that they are busy in the “right” way.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now. All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark of Pediatrics Now.

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