Separation Issues in Children

Last spring, just days after getting our new minivan complete with sliding passenger’s side door, our 8 year-old tried to convince our 5 year-old that getting out at the curb was the “cool” way to get into school. “You don’t need Mama to walk you in, you are big now,” was my 8 year-old’s argument. So, we gave it a try. I pulled up to the curb and pressed the button to the passenger’s sliding door. To my surprise, my 5 year-old looked at me shocked, got teary, pressed the button to close the door and sat there with her arms crossed. “I’m not big enough yet – when I’m in first grade I’ll be ready”.

A few weeks later, as we pulled into school, she quietly asked: “Can we get out at the curb today?” While I replied “Sure, honey”, deep inside my “not so sure this is a good idea” butterflies started to flutter. So, I pulled up to the curb, opened the door, and took a big breath. To my surprise, she hopped out of the van with a smile and exclaimed: “I did it! Bye, Mama”.

“So, can you start picking us up at the curb too?” asked my 8 year-old. I smiled and replied: “One step at a time, honey, but we’ll get there soon”. Off they went, hand in hand. I smiled, but deep inside I had a small pang – my small, usually timid child was not as small or timid as she was the day before.

Separation issues are part of the package with raising kids. Interestingly, while it’s the child that has the dramatic behaviors, the root cause is our anxiety about our child not needing us as much. Turns out, our child is worried about the same thing – us being lonely without him. Mastering these moments is triumphant for all of us yet we can’t help but feel a small pang that our child is just a touch less “young” than they were not long ago.

Like everything in parenting, not panicking is a key first step. We somehow have to stay calm and not let our child know that our stomach is tied in a knot. A game plan for the actual separation moment will benefit you and your child. Before any event, talk with your child about what will occur at the drop off. Focus not on the actual separation but on the fact that you and he will be fine while apart. Keeping the actual separation moment as brief as possible is helpful, albeit not always possible.

Ask teachers and other parents what has worked with other folks they know and give it a try. I heard of one mom who puts a kiss in her son’s hand before he goes to school and he puts it in his pocket before he goes off to school. By the way, he’s in the 4th grade! Some kids bring a family picture from home, and others a special object. Some just need to know they will have some special time with you in the near future.

Finally, know when to not push back. If your child is fearful of spending the night at a friend’s, try a pajama party and pick him up in the evening. If your child is scared of getting out of the van, try talking about a plan to get over this.

If a setback occurs, take a deep breath but don’t get discouraged. You’ve both separated well before, and will again. Just remember, these moments that cause angst today will be what make you smile tomorrow.

© 2005 Pediatrics Now.
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