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 Playdates
and other parents
By Gwenn Schurgin O’Keeffe, MD, FAAP
Your Kid’s
Health, The
Salem News
August 5, 2003
September 30, 2003
Q:
My 4 year old has a playmate whose mother lets
them do “crazy” things like play
in the car in the driveway. I've let my son
know this is dangerous and that he shouldn't
do it. I've also tried gently letting the other
mother know how I feel (making comments such
as "You know, my son seems to be attracted
to cars like a magnet. But of course it isn't
safe to play in them. Would you mind keeping
the car locked when he's around.") This
mother just doesn’t seem to understand
my concerns, or think this is a problem. My
son loves this friend but I don't want him to
get hurt. How can I communicate my fears to
his mother and my son regarding this issue and
while not alienating the other mother?
A:
This is a huge slippery slope and not always
comfortable to negotiate. On the one hand, most
of us encourage our children to follow the rules
of wherever it is they are – school, other
children’s houses, etc; in turn, we expect
other children to respect and follow our particular
rules. The key to success with play dates hinges
as much on our relationship with the other parents
as it does with the chemistry between the children.
Even for kids who get along wonderfully, if
the parents can’t work together and compromise,
the relationship may not be one you want to
pursue for your child.
Philosophical differences aside, safety issues
are one area that really can’t be compromised
– too much is at stake. Sometimes the
round about approach, while the most comfortable,
does not clearly convey our feelings to other
parents. Perhaps hitting the nail more on the
head by prefacing your comments with “I
hope” and “I don’t make you
uncomfortable by what I’m about to say”
or “I have something to discuss with you
that I’m not sure how to bring up –
and I hope I don’t offend you.”
Comments such as these often soften the blow
and let the other parent know that you’ve
given this thought, but at the same time, respect
her rules but that you just don’t feel
comfortable not addressing the issue where your
child is concerned.
You may need to be very specific with this mother
about your concerns. I’d encourage you
to first emphasize how much your son loves playing
with her child and then, very matter-of-factly,
explain to her that you just don’t feel
comfortable with your son playing in an unlocked
car in a driveway. I’d avoid a broader
discussion of “what is safe”. Stick
with what you want for your son, not what the
mother allows for her child. You may also need
to be brave enough to tell her that for the
play dates to continue, you need to know that
your child will not be in harm’s way –
and that you would give her the same consideration
at your house if there were areas that she felt
uncomfortable about while her son was visiting
you.
Often strategies like these help and most situations
are easily resolved between parents. However,
once in awhile, another parent takes to heart
such comments and feels criticized and defensive.
If this mother cannot respect your position
after you make every effort to reach her, you
may need to make the difficult decision to not
have further play dates with that family –
at least for a while. If that’s the case,
perhaps meeting at a neutral location like a
town park will allow the children to play without
you worrying about your son’s safety.
May the force
be with you – this is a tough one to
be sure!
© 2005 Pediatrics
Now.
All rights reserved. PEDIATRICS NOW is a trademark
of Pediatrics Now.
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