Looking for a way to help your family have a healthy media diet? Try my Family Media Use Plan!

DrGwenns Family Media Pledge

Are you going to see Harry Potter this weekend? How are your kids dealing with the “end” of this much beloved decade long saga?

If your kids are like mine, they’ve been counting down the days until the opening of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II”. This is not a new phenomenon for my family…as we’ve experienced the same lead up excitement with all the prior movies. The difference today, though, is that we are preparing for the end – the end of the story and the end of the movies.

The Harry Potter phenomenon is amazing to consider and, in many ways, has been unlike any other book to movie franchise.  It’s not only one of the best author rags to riches stories of our day but is, itself, a phenomenon that has impacted an entire generation of kids, fostering their imaginations, impacting their dreams and ideals, and giving them a framework to witness their own real world experiences of growing up in a safe and understandable way.

When I view the Harry Potter movies from a media perspective, I have to give the entire group of movies a thumbs up. There are few movies that have been able to keep up the quality from movie to movie as these movies have. There are also few movives that have captivated kids and their parents like this creating a multitude of venues families can enjoy together. In the case of my family, this journey started before my oldest daughter could read, with the first few books being read to her by my husband. Once the movies came out, it quickly became a family event. We’ve seen all the museum exhibitions that have toured and even tailored our recent London trip so our kids could see some of the real world sights that influenced the fantastical sets of the movies.

The other element of these movies that I have loved is the casting. Few movies today have casted kids in kid roles and allowed them to grow up as the movies evolved. The rarity of the cast is how wonderful they are to their fans and how humble they have been throughout the last decade. That is truly rare in today’s Hollywood culture.

Our kids have actually grown up with these characters which is one of the unique and most powerful features of this entire enterprise. Seeing movie characters they can relate to going “through kid stuff” and “coming of age stuff” helps our kids deal with their own “stuff”  – stuff like just growing up, becoming a teen and young adult, dealing with first romantic crushes and feelings, understanding the value of friendship.

So, this just isn’t the end to a run of movies. By the conclusion of “HP 7″ our kids will be saying “farewell” to characters that have been staples throughout their childhoods. The impact will be akin to saying “goodbye” to a friend about to move so we should prepare for that, and allow our kids the emotions and reactions they will have. Just like saying “farewell” to a friend about to move, this weekend’s movie will rock our kids and we need to be prepared for that.  Art often imitates life and that has truly been the case with the core events the HP characters have experienced.  Seeing real world events depicted in movies helps our kids deal with similar real world issues. It provides a context removed from the real world to talk about some tough stuff and real life issues that may be hard to discuss otherwise.

As I walk in these shoes with you, about to see the movie tonight at midnight and likely to be part of carpools as my teens plan to see the movie again with friends, here are my thoughts on why the Harry Potter story line has been one of the best for kids and families in my kids’ lifetimes:

1. The story gets kids reading.
2. The movie and related events encourage family time.
3. The story and characters have sparked imagination and fueled our kids to be kids.
4. The story itself grapples with Good Vs. Evil with normal life issue undertones of kids growing up.
5. The movies, and books, have showed how teens deal with hormones without inappropriate images.
6. No gratuitous sex, drugs, violence that isn’t out of the real of what kids can handle.
7. The story evolves tween and teen issues in a way kids can relate to.
8. The story emphasizes the importance of education, friends and family.
9. Friendship is shown in a real world light and emphasizes that it’s ok for friends to disagree – and still be friends.
10. Love, friendship and good triumph in the end, as it should…after all, this is still a movie!

(Image: Harry Potter Warner Brothers website)

“Stop the World, I want to Get Off!” I remember seeing that play years and years ago at summer camp. That phrase runs through my mind a lot lately as the pace of things seems to speed up more and more. I recently got one of those “smart phones” – phone, email, camera gadget. It’s really cool and can connect me anywhere any time to anyone. But, do I really want to be that accessible? On the one hand – yes and on the other: NO WAY! Sometimes not being reachable is a good thing.

We all know the drill: carpools, jobs, housework, shopping. Add to that “extras” like doctors appointments and after school activities and evening meetings and it’s no wonder most of us freeze completely when our Palm Pilots hiccup and erase our schedules.

Well, we can’t stop the entire world but we sure can slow down our own worlds. Perhaps if we focus on our immediate worlds – our kids, our family, our neighborhoods, our communities, life will once again seem in control and manageable. As part of my quest of sanity for 2004, I’ve been thinking a lot about the little things I can do at home to stop the clock and really let my kids know we are there. I’ve decided that to be a better mom I have to be a better me – we often forget ourselves as parents and somehow need to reclaim that first. Putting our kids first always may be what is causing some of the craziness.

So, there are two things we need to do: learn to just “be” with ourselves and learn to just “be” with our kids. I’d suggest that at least one to two times a day you find a way to have no way of being reached – and just “be”. Zone out to music like when you were a teenager. Blast the radio in the car or shower and sing your heart out. Read a good romantic novel or mystery – nothing too “literary”, just fun! Just sit in your kitchen and look out the window – no TV’s or radio or cells or beepers.You don’t need to do this for long – even 10-15 minutes a day will help.

Here are some things you can do to just “be” with your kid:

1. family game night
2. plan a picnic in the family room on a rainy day
3. bake cookies
4. make cards for relatives
5. read a book
6. watch a favorite movie together
7. cuddle while eating breakfast
8. play a game of cards
9. cancel a lunch date to be with your child
10. say “no” to an extra volunteer thing to just be home
11. run errands another time – do they really need to be done after school with a car load of kids?
12. Dance with your child!
13. Run around the house shrieking and laughing!

Here is an interesting twist to this message – you can actually teach your kids just to “be”. Help them find a few minutes each day to unwind and if you can’t find that time ask yourself if there is too much on your child’s plate. And, teach your kids to appreciate what the adults in their lives do for them.

Sad to think that we have to teach our kids to relax but that seems to be just part of the package lately – especially with tough world events in the mix on top of our usually daily grinds.

So, this week pick one stressful thing to give up and one new calm thing to try. Make this a family project and see where you are in the next week. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Has one of these scenarios ever happened to you or one of your digital teens?

• Someone sends you a text, email or Facebook message that riles you up a bit, good or bad, that you respond from a place of pure emotion…type the message, hit send and then a second later say to yourself “you know, perhaps that message was too much. I wish I had waited to send it or not sent it at all.”?

• You were so angry you shot off a text, email or Facebook post unfiltered and regretted it immediately?

• You sent an email or text intended to one person to another person by mistake…or to a group of people?

We’ve all been in these digital sending messes at some point in our lives and try and learn from them and not repeat history, if we can at all help it.

Our kids and teens, though, are still learning and struggling with this issue. For them, the faceless connection is a major hurdle for them.  In most situations, they’d handle the similar situation much more adeptly if face to face but behind the anonymous computer everything falls apart.

As I wrote in Chapter 17, page 176 of CyberSafe:

“As we’ve seen, many online issues with teens and tweens occur because of the power of anonymity. If they are reminded that there is a real person behind the computer, that often changes their behavior and outlook considerably. In addition to talking with kids about their digital footprints, I use the mnemonic RITE to make kids pause and think about what they are posting online.”

RITE is simple and the way to avoid these digital snafus:

R: Reread every message to be sure it sounds OK and is what you really want to send.

I: Imagine if you were the one receiving the message…would you be upset or hurt by what it says?

T: Think about whether it needs to be sent now or can it wait a bit. Sometimes waiting and re-reading the message later can avoid a big mess later on. (You may even find that you’d rather not send the message afterall!)

E: hit the Enter button only after you are satisfied that R-I-T are to your satisfaction.

Your kids want to get it right…so help them make the message RITE!

I read a blog post not long ago that suggested we should all check our email only twice a day. Twice a day? Is that even possible? It may not seem possible but it sure is needed. Believe it our not, despite our over connected lives and reliance on technology for everything, we actually need some  unplugged time alone and as a family.

Technology has certainly made our lives more efficient and created an explosion of ways for adults and kids of all ages to connect over the last decade. The amount of that explosion at times has seemed almost unfathomable since the new millenium has arrived, hasn’t it!?

Think about it. Technology helps connect and has allowed ways to connect that seem almost out of a scifi movie from Star Trek for many of us! We now connect instantly and on smaller and smaller devices. That’s cool…and very sci fi given where most of us started in our lives.

However, it can also be addicting, mind draining, and reinforce negative messages. And, where the internet is concerned, there are social dangers for adults and kids. We’ve become a society where phones are “so yesterday” and conversations become virtual. There are dangers in that and people become trusting in ways not based in reality. That is a scary issue for parents to grapple with for our kids and we’re just now seeing a turn of the tides in parents realizing that kids may be more capable and safe online than they realized.

The bigger issues aside, just pause a moment and consider how many ways you use technology in a give day. There’s the basics: telephone, computer, video games, cell phones. You may IM someone, text another, email the next.  You likely e-chat more than truly talk to people on most days. How many projects are you working on with people you have never met all made possible by technology – email, video calls and e-meetings. Sometimes having a real meeting is a breath of fresh air after all this e-connectiveness!

With the New Year here, one of the best ways you can help you and your family is to do some serious technology cleaning and streamlining. Would you believe some workplaces are actually starting “email free Fridays”? And, I find myself working at Starbucks a lot just to not have email dinging every few minutes.

What can you do to get your family more media healthy? Many things.

First, you have to admit you all have a problem! In fact, we all do. We all watch or listen or type too much. A multitude of studies this year have focused on the impact on TV on our kids and it is clear that “too much” is bad. The problem is that studies are not yet clear on which is the more important element, time or content, when TV becomes linked to attention issues from “too much”. At the same time, studies this year have demonstrated no harm in good, educational programming for young children.  More studies will need to be done to help us sort this out a bit more.

So, gather your family around the kitchen table,  talk about your media use and ways you can be less controlled by it. If it will help you, read the following Media-Family pledge and have everyone sign it:

Dr. Gwenn’s Family Media-Friendly Pledge

• I will never choose media or technology over my family.
• I will use technology responsibly by not
  • Texting or talking while driving
  • using my cell phone in line for anything
  • using technology to harm others by engaging in bullying or slanderous actions
• I will try and keep my total screen time to 2 hours a day except when doing a project for school.
• I will not watch shows or play games that scare me or are inappropriate for friends and family watching or playing with me.
• Kids: I will never give out personal information online or by text and will avoid all chat room except ones my mom and dad have looked at and approved.
• Parents: I will check what my kids are doing online and on their phones.
• Kids: I understand my parents have a right to check into my media history on my computer or phone.
• We will talk as a family at a meal a day with no technology in sight!
• We will agree to technology free times such as weekends and vacations.
• When in doubt, family first! If media gets in the way, we need to recognize we are utilizing it too much or in a way that is not helping our family.

Here’s to a wonderful New Year with more media awareness, less time plugged into something, and more quality time with people off line that actually matter in our lives!

(Originally posted January 2008; updated January 2011)

]]> http://www.pediatricsnow.com/2011/01/healthy-media-use-resolutions-for-new-year/feed/ 0 http://www.pediatricsnow.com/2010/10/kids-and-cell-phones-issues-to-consider/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=kids-and-cell-phones-issues-to-consider http://www.pediatricsnow.com/2010/10/kids-and-cell-phones-issues-to-consider/#comments Wed, 13 Oct 2010 18:00:03 +0000 DrGwenn http://pediatricsnow.com/wptest/?p=429

Q) Dear Mom:

Can I have a cell phone? All my friends have one…We promise to be responsible!

Love, your daughters

A)

When my daughters both entered middle school, I quickly lost count how many times my husband and I were asked that question. It seemed to escalate quickly with each passing month! In the mind of a 12 year old, this was a very urgent and pressing matter – an actual tween crisis.

Our oldest daughter took an interesting approach in convincing us about her “need” for the cell phone. In addition to rattling off the typical reasons (safety, need, communication), she had her 8 1/2 year old sister poll her friends who had older siblings in middle school.  The results of this very unscientific poll were intriguing. Indeed, the vast majority of 6th graders and most of the 7th graders polled had a cell phone. In fact, a good amount of 5th graders also had cell phones.

Too much, too young? Read on.

I have to admit, this is not an issue where one answer fits every child and every family. So, you have to go into any “poll” with that mind set. But, there are some considerations that are worth noting that do come into play even for kids as young as 5th and 6th grade which I would not have been able to predict until my kids were at that age.

For example, I didn’t realize how unavailable true phones are in schools in general. If your child needs to reach you after school, grown ups disperse quickly in offices and without a cell phone, or a friend’s cell phone, our kids would have been unable to reach us.

Neighbors are not around after school for the walk home as they were when we were kids. So, if your kids is  a walker, that is another safety consideration.

Finally, pay phones simply do not exist. This is important for all our kids. If an emergency pops up and our kids are somewhere as a group or alone, a cell phone may be their only way to call for a ride or to call 911.

Where do experts stand on this issue? As I just mentioned, there truly is no agreed upon age for when a child is “old enough”. You have to consider your family’s life and your child’s after school life. That said, middle school, between 12-14, does seem to be when most kids get that first cell phone.

After talking to many friends, parents and colleagues, I’ve compiled a list of questions that you can run through with your family to help sort out if a cell phone is a reasonable addition to your child’s pocket:

1. Is your tween/teen home after school alone?
2. Does your tween/teen walk home from school alone or with friends?
3. Does your tween/teen often spend time away from home at overnight camp or at friends’ houses?
4. Does your tween/teen participate in activities where there is no handy phone  to call you in a pinch?
5. Is your teen/tween starting to attend parties, either at school or at friends’ houses?
6. Does your teen have a driver’s license or is starting to be in a car with older teenaged licensed-drivers?
7. Does your teen/tween ride on moving vehicles away from home, such as bikes, roller blades or skateboards?
8. Is your tween/teen starting to walk to the local pizza shop or store with friends to grab a snack?
9. Is your teen/tween starting to baby-sit?
10. Does your teen have a job?

Finally, once you make the decision to get a cell phone, that doesn’t end the story but actually begin it. Make sure you have a cell phone plan in place so your child understand the rules for proper use. Think about it – the phone costs money. How will your teen/tween contribute to the phone and the bills? What about abuse of the phone should your child make calls that are not urgent or emergent or necessary? What will the consequences be when that occurs (and you know it will!)? Make sure you spell that out clearly in a family meeting.

I’d suggest a payment plan of sorts and a contract that both you and your tween/teen sign. Since kids don’t have ways to earn money, perhaps have a list of chores your kids can do at home to contribute to the cell phone until they are old enough to babysit. It’s the principle you are emphasizing initially.

And, avoid phones with too many bells and whistles – they just tempt fate and drive up monthly costs.  Texting is very useful and if you can get a plan with a reasonable text plan, I think you’ll find it a great way to stay in touch with your family quickly but your kids don’t need internet access – not only is that pricey but it is hard to control on a cell phone.

By the way, you’ll notice that I refer to tweens and teens .  In my wildest dream, I really can’t come up with a reason why an elementary school child would need a cell phone. If you do, please let me know – really.  This is un-chartered territory so us parents need to learn from each other, and stick together!

(Originally posted June 2006; Updated October 2010)

Turn Off Week (formerly TV Turn Off Week) always seems to fall during April Vacation! On the one hand, that’s brilliant timing. With most families of kids in front of screens on the go, you can’t hand pick a better time to ask people to avoid screens for an entire week. On the other hand, with screens so ubiquitous, even avoiding them on vacation is easier said than done, as we discovered last year in New York City. From screens on the limo bus to the city to screens in the hotel lobby, restaurants and Times Square, they were impossible to avoid. While I love the concept of Turn Off Week and believe we have to find a way to plug in less and live unplugged more, is it possible to truly unplug and be 100% screen-less for a week?

Well, we can’t, entirely. Some screens we can’t avoid because they are controlled by others. Those are the screens in restaurants, hotels, airplanes, and other similar public places. But, we can control the screens in our immediate lives and homes and those are the screens we should be focusing on during Turn Off Week and all year long.  The screens we can avoid are our home computers, laptops, TVs, MP3 players, portable gaming systems. Those are the screens thatTurn Off Week is designed to raise awareness about. Those we can control!

You know the stats by now: kids who have too much screen time at all ages are at risk for obesity, inattention and behavioral issues. A study out last year showed that teens without TVs in their bedrooms were healthier than their teen peers who had TVs in their rooms because they moved more, ate healthier foods and spent more time with their families.

Being unplugged and away from screens more doesn’t just benefit kids but adults as well.  In the adult world, groups are becoming very creative in their campaigns to get adults off line and back into the unplugged world. Some groups are going for the “go green” approach, using the rationale that unplugging more is healthier for the environment, while others are sticking with the simple platform that being unplugged is good for our hearts and souls. One blog even suggests taking a “technology Sabbath” to purge form our systems the need to be plugged in all the time. It is easier said than done, as New York Times writer Mark Bittman learned. Describing his experiencing becoming unplugged, he wrote: “I woke up nervous, eager for my laptop . . . I was jumpy, twitchy, uneven.”

That should tell us everything we need to know about finding more unplugged time in our family’s lives, as individuals and as a family! As the old poem now goes:

Spring has sprung;
the grass has riz;
I wonder where the family time is??

Its right there…off line waiting for you.

******************************************************************************

Turn Off Week is April 18-24, 2010. Here are some resources to take steps to become more unplugged that week, and all year long:

Turnoff Week

Unplug your friends

Technology Sabbath

(Originally posted April 2009; Updated April 2010)

What’s your media diet like? Do you have a healthy balance? Too much? Too little? This month, the FitTips focus is how much media we all use with the goal to find a healthy middle ground so we can be plugged in when we need to be but unplugged to enjoy the greater world for more of our time.

Let’s face it, we’re all a bit too plugged in – adults and kids! If we can unplug just a bit more, our stress levels will come down and our qualities of experiences will go up! On average, we all spend a bit too much time plugged in and viewing screens, adults and kids. By paying more attention to how we spend our time with technology, we can maximize how we use it, become more efficient, and enjoy our off line lives a lot more!

Week 1: Do we really need cell phones to buy coffee?

How often have you had the experience of walking into your local coffee shop, restaurant or store only to have someone at the next table or aisle having a full blown conversation on their cell phone? I personally find that one of the more stressful situations to be in. And, if we are with our kids, good chance they will over hear some tidbit of adult life we don’t want them to be exposed to just yet. Somewhere along the line, a true lack of boundaries with cell phones has emerged that isn’t appropriate. It’s time we stop invading each other’s privacy and personal space and show a bit more respect for the public spaces we are occupying when using our cell phones.

Where do we start? We start with our own cell phone behavior and teaching our kids proper cell phone behavior. If we all do a bit better about not chatting in coffee lines, grocery stores and restuarants, a domino effect will start and soon enough we’ll be more cell free in public spaces.

Week 2: Do you know what your kids are connected to?

This is an issue that we all have to start and continue all year long. We not only need to pay attention to what our kids are using for technology but learn to chat with our kids about their technology use.

This week, start by making a list of what your kids are using from big to small. Ask them about privacy settings and let them know that from this week forward you will be active participants in their online lives.

How do you start the conversation? Here are some conversation starters:

“Let’s check out your Facebook page. I haven’t seen it in a while.”
“Just a heads up…I’m going to check your computer in an hour and look at your Facebook page, IM log and a few other social media spaces.”
“Whose on your Facebook ‘friends’ list?”
“I’ve noticed a lot of text minutes. Who do you usually text? Can I see your phone…I want to be sure you haven’t received any sext messages.”

The goal is for your tweens and teens to know you are in the moment and aware of what they are doing. As you build trust with your kids in conversations about their online use, the goal is to be sure they know to come to you if anything seems off – if someone they don’t know tries to friend them; if they receive a message that makes them uncomfortable; if they ever receive an inappropriate email or text, such as ‘sexting’.

Week 3: Screen Turn Off Week

Formerly “TV turn off week”, now we have “turn off week” to get off all screens for a week and live life. Just give it a try. It may seem jarring to your kids to have zero screens on for a week so keep everyone moving! This is a great time to bond as a family with board games, walks in the park, outings to museums and places you haven’t visited in a while. You can listen to music and just talk about “stuff”.

This month’s column has a lot of ideas for you.

Week 4: Media tune-up

This week ask your self “what do I need less of?”, “is there a technology preventing me from being productive?” This is the week to look at how your family members use technology and make sure everyone’s “media diet” is healthy and helpful, and not hurtful, for their goals of the day. Where to start? Have everyone create a diary for a day of what they use that requires a plug, batteries or ear phones; what they do with those technologies and for how long. Then, gather around the table and share your diaries together. You may be surprised by what you learn about each other and can then chat about ways you can tweak what you use and when.

Perhaps you need to help each other have a schedule for checking email and using Facebook. Perhaps people need designated “no media” times so you all can interact more as a family. The tweaks will be different for everyone but the end result is the same: to use technology more mindfully and consciously so you can have more unplugged time in the real world…and actually enjoy it!