My husband recently returned home after being deployed and our toddler won't sleep. What can we do?
Q)
Dear Dr. Gwenn:
My daughter is 3 ½ years old. I just spent the last year raising her alone while my husband was in Korea. Since we are a military family, our lives change every so often when it has to. Lately our daughter takes up to 3 hours to go to sleep, we have left her by herself and we have to take her back into her room at least 6 times. We’ve tried reading stories in her bed and staying in her room until she falls asleep. On occasion, she has lain in our bed for hours before falling asleep.
During the evening struggles, she often throws fits and kicks and screams. I need help!!! This is affecting my marriage and now I have become one of those mothers that I didn’t want to become with a spoiled child. Please help!!!
Thank you,
Rebecca
A)
Dear Rebecca:
Please know you are not alone in your frustration – we’ve all been there with toddler struggles but you have the additional burden of having a husband who is only intermittently in the picture due to his military obligations. This is not small challenge for so many families today.
Toddlers become easily disrupted when their schedule and sense of security change, and in today's world deployment of a parent is one of the biggest stressors facing families and kids.
Deployment and separation are very difficult on a family and it is not uncommon for couples and kids to feel enormous stress even on the welcome and happy occassion of a home coming.
The military often has excellent family services which I’d encourage you to explore since part of this situation is an adjustment for all of you to your husband’s tour of duty and his return. I found some very useful resources online that may help you at least start to understand your child’s view of her Daddy’s comings and goings. She is old enough that she may also have some fears about his job. Here are some links that may help you out:
Militarybaby.com: helping a preschooler when daddy is deployed
Talking to my friends whose husbands have been in the Armed Services, I learned that there are many services available to military families. From what I understand, all military families are connected to a FRG – family readiness group. Those groups form the foundation for support groups, play groups, etc. That group would be a good starting point for you. There really is power in knowing you are not alone.
You could also talk to your husband’s command’s wife who is often in charge of help out the spouses. My friends who have had husbands in the army tell me that different units have different levels of cohesiveness but all these services do exist in one form or another. Finally, keep in mind that all posts have medical units with therapist. From what you described, I’d start there while you are pulling together more social supports.
In the mean time, you and your husband should try and be consistent with your daughter and present a united front. She may be toying with limits now that two parents are actively involved. While I understand how frustrating it must be for your husband to have to deal with a child so out of control, help him see this through her eyes and he may feel less helpless. He’s likely feeling a bit guilty and that is not an easy feeling. This will get better but will take a bit of work from all of you, a great deal of patience and understanding, and some support and help from the outside.
Dr. Gwenn
